[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
After Cain endorsement, Newt has epiphany: “He’s so cool to pal around with, he understands me”
Newt Gingrich named Herman Cain as his running mate, and more, in his quest for the presidency this morning, at a campaign stop in Tallahassee, Florida.
“I’m hard-pressed to come up with anyone who understands me better,” boomed Gingrich to an adoring crowd. “He’s bright, he’s fun, and he can supply pizza and babes at every hotel stop along the campaign trail.”
“He’s also down with my bold vision for the future,” Gingrich said. “Together, we’ll build an all-Republican moon base — liberals need not apply — and we’ll do it cheaply, by putting kids to work, which will teach them valuable skills and a work ethic. This will help them immensely as adults — assuming they survive.”
“You should see the cute little spacesuits we’ve designed for them — they look like Teletubbies! But not the gay one.”
For his part, Mr. Cain was enthusiastic. “A month ago, I thought I might be at the top of this ticket,” he said. “I do like the top. But you know, I didn’t start at the top in the pizza business either, I had to pay my dues. Long days, partying every night — Newt knows!”
Already, whispers of “wild carousing” by the duo have been filtering out. One hotel guest where the campaign is staying, 22 year old John Stimson, said, “It’s getting crazy up on their floor. It’s as if they’re back in college — loud music, scantily clad women running in and out. All I want to know is, how do I get invited?”
Many who are covering the race say this could be a brilliant move by the Gingrich campaign. “Everything has been so uptight and stodgy up to this point,” said Cathy Forester of the Tallahassee Reporter. “Voters can feel the energy now, it’s intense, almost primal!”
“A weight has been lifted off Gingrich’s shoulders,” Forester went on. “He’s got a real partner in crime now. Cain can party like it’s 2013!”
Cain said it was a totally natural progression. “He was the only man in this race I could endorse,” he said. “His vision — I mean who else is talking about creating a new state on the moon? Only Newt. It’s an amazing strategy for racking up more GOP electoral votes. And his grasp of geography and history — I don’t have to worry about questions on Libya anymore, he can handle it.”
“And like me, he understands how to deal with the media,” Cain added. “Did you see him dress down John King at the debate the other night? Brilliant! When I saw that, I was sold!”
“He’s like a brother from another mother. And we both know how to handle our affairs, if you know what I mean. This is gonna be fun!”
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