CAC banner ad
WET River Trips
Humor Times subscribe

[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

It’s an Epidemic! CDC Acts in Response to Affluenza Outbreak

Feb 032016
 
 By , February 3, 2016

‘Affluenza is a real pathology, afflicting thousands of poor, wealthy people.’ – CDC

NEW YORK – The Center for Disease Control went into emergency session today to counter what one source called “the galloping Affluenza epidemic” sweeping through the nation’s ruling class.

Affluenza, Ethan Crouch

Ethan Crouch: Note the glazed eyes and sunken chest, symptoms of Moral Microcephaly.

First detected 2013 in the case of 17-year old Ethan Crouch, widely viewed at the time as just a sniveling little creep who literally Got Out of Jail Free by pleading the condition, Affluenza is now recognized as a real pathology, afflicting thousands of poor, wealthy people.

“Another term for Affluenza is Moral Microcephaly, or ethical pinheadedness,” explained Dr Nancy Ticklebaum, director of Houston’s Koch Sanitarium for the Idle and Insanely Rich.

Dr Ticklebaum said Affluenza should have been declared an emergency as soon as the link between it and Moral Microcephaly was discovered. Political economist Friedrich Engels first identified the condition, which he and his collaborator Karl Marx called “alienation.” The pathology was described in their 1848 best seller, The Communist Manifesto.

“Marx and Engels noted that alienated people literally cannot see how utterly disgusting they are,” Dr Ticklebaum said, “and their repulsive little brats are even worse.”

People afflicted with Affluenza, the doctor said, view the whole world and all its wondrous diversity as simply a function of money. All their relationships are ultimately expressed through that medium.

Dr Ticklebaum cited the case of the anonymous teenage boy who, just for laughs, paid a homeless man $5.00 to pour hot coffee over himself. When he was chided for his heartlessness, he sent the man another $20.00.

“He didn’t see that man as a human being, but just as someone — something — whose humiliation could be bought and sold. It never occurred to the little shit to just buy the man a cup of coffee to actually drink.”

Dr Ticklebaum shook her head sadly. “However, it’s not just the kids. Don’t you think it’s amazing that not one of the 63 people who own half the world has offered to fix the water system in Flint?

“What would that simple, humanitarian gesture cost them? A hundred million? Let’s say a billion. So what? Can the Kochs afford to spend a billion dollars? That’s their budget for the election.

“Indifference to the suffering of others is Affluenza in its most virulent form.”

Dr Ticklebaum noted that an associated problem is what she called “trickle-down Affluenza,” when the lower classes ape the morals, manners and attitudes of the rich. Muggings and robberies, she said, are “simply small-scale versions of what the tailor-suited thugs openly do on Wall Street every day.

“Muggers don’t care about the people they rob and perhaps kill, and neither does Jamie Dimon. It’s just a matter of scale.”

There is currently no Affluenza vaccine or treatment, though Vermont senator Bernie Sanders says that after he is sworn in as president on January 20, 2017, developing a cure will be high on his list

“And I’m gonna make Donald Trump pay for it,” he laughed.

  • If you liked this story, check out Michael Egan’s Superman Abandons Earth And Other News They Won’t Tell You (Humor Times Books, 2016), his new collection of outrageous news, interviews, jokes, verbal caricatures and rhymes! Available from Amazon.com
The following two tabs change content below.
avatar
Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it.

Like this content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!