[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
GOP front runner Trump produces doctor’s certificate, threatens to sue, following Rubio’s ‘Small Hands, Small Penis’ gibe.
NYC – Presidential candidate Donald Trump exploded “orgasmically” today — his doctor’s words – after learning that rival GOP candidate Sen. Marco Rubio had publicly mocked his tiny hands and teeny-weeny peeny.
‘I’m the yuuugest dick in America, dammit, maybe in the entire world!’ Trump retorted at a press conference later, “and a lot bigger than little Rubio!”
The Florida Senator later agreed that while Trump was taller, especially when Rubio wasn’t wearing his elevator boots with height-increasing insoles, the squirrel-haired financial crook still had small hands for his height, and was very self-conscious about it.
“His hands are the size of someone who’s 5’2!” Rubio mocked before a crowd of delighted supporters. “And you know what they say about men with small hands!”
Rubio also targeted the Mafia-related mogul’s florid skin tones, noting that he “doesn’t sweat, because like Bill Maher proved, his father was an orangutan.
“Look at his fur. His dick must resemble Cecil the Lion — after being shot. It’s a wonder he has any kids at all.”
Rubio concluded: “Donald Trump isn’t gonna make America great, he’s gonna make America orange. He’ll be our first tangerine president.”
Trump’s personal physician, Dr Heinrich Strangelove, said that Rubio’s comments had provoked “an uncontrollable four-hour reaction” in “El Supremo,” as Trump likes to be known among his entourage.
“El Supremo’s tantrump, as we call them,” said Dr Strangelove, “was relieved only by his favorite pastime, a cool bath in crisp, green $100 bills accompanied by Carly Simon singing You’re So Vain. Of course he knows the song’s about him.”
At his press conference this morning however Trump still seemed agitated, his florid features edged with an alien, snot-green radiance.
Waving Dr Strangelove’s recent medical report concerning his “gigantic dickiness,” Trump shouted: “That’s right! And I’m really rich too, even though for deep psychological reasons I feel compelled to exaggerate it! It’s just like the dick thing.”
Trump went on to describe his penile endowment as 1.27 cubits, a length he refused to define, though it was “immeasurably” greater than the current world record holder, “and bigger even than Frank Sinatra!”*
An informal survey among Trump’s wives and mistresses yielded only a series of “no comments,” though there was one eloquently silent smirk from his lovely daughter, Ivanka.
In related news, Hollywood’s Mickey Rooney Society condemned both Trump’s and Rubio’s “heightism,” noting that the hands of 5’2” men everywhere were up in arms.
* Ed. Note: Ava Gardner once said that while Frank Sinatra weighed only 120 lbs., “100 lbs. of it was cock.”
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