[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Spooky former Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia admitted from Purgatory that his ‘Originalist’ theories were just ‘arglebargle, applesauce and jiggery-pokery.’
PURGATORY – Demands by the Heritage Foundation that late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia be permitted to vote “from beyond the grave” have been unexpectedly realized. However, the Foundation is unlikely to be pleased.
A shocking new interview with the ghost of the recently departed judge, speaking via GoogleSeance™ satellite from his cell inside Purgatory’s notorious “Hypocrites’ Hell Hole” yesterday, took both the internet and the world by storm. YouTube said its site crashed for more than three hours.
The entire GOP Congressional caucus is said to now be in crisis.
During his two hour interview, described as “confession-like,” an ashen-faced Scalia admitted that all his earthly legal opinions were nothing more than “arglebargle, applesauce and jiggery-pokery,” lavishly financed by the Kochs and the bloody-handed oil industry.
Also in the video, Scalia grovellingly apologizes to America’s liberals and leftists, all of whom, he now admits, “were and are completely right, factually immaculate and unerringly correct on every single major social and economic issue facing the country today. There, I said it.”
Scalia adds: “For God’s sake – and I am speaking on the Highest Authority here – dump Trump and elect Bernie Sanders president! It’s America’s only hope!”
Mr Scalia revealed that the dramatic reversal in his opinions followed “several mandatory meetings with the ‘Original Originalists’ themselves, the actual Founding Fathers and authors of the US Constitution.”
The ex-judge acknowledged that right off the bat Ben Franklin had quickly educated him about the so-called “Intentional Fallacy,” the “Tony Baloney” underlying Scalia’s “Originalist” legal approach.
Well-known among literary scholars and Talmudic analysts, the Intentional Fallacy (IF) means that you can’t read a document two centuries old or more and be certain about its authors’ “real but hidden” meanings.
“That’s so obvious it’s almost embarrassing,” Scalia shamefacedly admits in the video. “I can’t believe Ruthie Ginsburg and the girls let me get away with it for so long.”
The dead judge also declared that Thomas Jefferson himself had “definitively” cleared up one of the Bill of Rights’ most controversial points: the Second Amendment.
“Tom told me personally more than once that the critical part of Two was ‘a well-regulated militia,’” Scalia insisted. “Apparently what they really had in mind was something like a modern police force, which of course didn’t exist in those days.”
Scalia shook his head. “They certainly didn’t intend that every uneducated lunatic with psychological problems could roam the streets with a freaking Howitzer! Adams, Hamilton, Madison, all those guys, even General Washington, told me the same thing too.
“And by the way, Washington wants everyone to know that he never had wooden teeth, okay?”
The judge noted that he was trying to channel his former “idiot colleague,” Clarence Thomas, so as to change his “blind and pathetically wrong-headed” attempts to imitate him.
If he “cures” Thomas, Scalia said, he might be eventually released from Purgatory and allowed a second trial. He noted with satisfaction that he’d recently “mind-controlled” Thomas to finally open his mouth at a Court hearing, the first time in 10 years.
“Of course, he made complete idiot of himself,” Scalia sighed. “But unfortunately he’s my only way outa here, God help me.”
Some viewers say that at this point a deep, off-camera voice may be heard. “Not quite yet, Antonin,” it says. “Not quite yet.”
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