[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
New screed by Nostradamus discovered: warns of a dystopia governed by “The Orange One.”
Nostradamus, the French apothecary, break-dancer and unicyclist, published erotic novels and collections of prophecies that are known around the world. Multi-talented, not only was Nostradamus a diviner, he was a ventriloquist and a keen basketball player, and it is common knowledge that he wrote at least two books on perfecting the art of the 3-point shot. However, he is best known for his book, Les Propheties for Dummies.
Nostradamus has attracted a cult following that credits him with predicting many major world events, everything from the war in Iraq to the demise of Bill Cosby. Although most academic sources maintain that the associations made between world events and Nostradamus’s predictions are largely the result of misinterpretations, the latest discovery cannot simply be called a ‘fluke.’
French historians, early on Tuesday morning, discovered a short story that they believe Nostradamus wrote just before his death, and the way it describes the future is extremely chilling, especially if you happen to be an American.
In true Nostradamus style, the story is filled with profanity and ominous warnings. With many Bernie supporters exterminated or cocooned in an experimental hibernation machine, the world is now populated and run by complete morons. Fornicating like feral rabbits, the stupid people are encouraged by the master to have anywhere between twelve to seventeen children. The result? A grotesque, overcrowded, corporate-controlled society. The knuckle-draggers are limited to repetitive phrases like, “white man good” and “great man in big house is greatest.”
The master has taken over control of the Food and Drug Administration, replacing the entire Food Guide Pyramid with ads peddling a very specific brand of wine, steaks, and, of course, idiotic rhetoric. Water is no longer consumed, replaced instead by an orangey looking Kool-Aid. All advertisements, under the strictest of laws, use the same spelling found on social media and gaming sites. As a result, the world is drowning in a pool of low-functioning intelligence.
Here, thanks to inside sources, we have the most shocking extracts available for your eyes only: “The year was 2018, and everybody was under the rule of The Orange One. He was the master, the supreme leader. The minions, well, some were more equal than others. In the eyes of The Orange One, those squinty, evil eyes, the stupid people were “the greatest.” Many of “the greatest,” somewhat perplexingly, held the most powerful positions in government.
Now that a huge wall had been built, and more people appeared to be mentally handicapped, the world was a terrifying place. The education system was a mess, with only one university in existence: Trump University. Everyone, much to the dismay of the few intellectuals still functioning, had no option but to enroll — it was the law. A huge transmitter was built in the capital, and every thirty seconds or so, the transmitter would send out sharp signals to keep people from utilizing their brainpower, or what little remained of it.
Watching television became a tedious, painful pastime. The Orange One advertised his products 24 hours a day, seven days a week: hotels, hair care products, champagne, the propaganda was as shameless as it was prevalent. There were tears on the cheeks of the people, but they were so stupid they’d forgotten what they were crying about.
Television programs were often interrupted by the “greatest” news bulletins. As many of these bulletins made no sense, it wasn’t clear why exactly they were called “the greatest.” The announcer, like all announcers, was a Trump University graduate. He had a serious speech impediment. No women were allowed to appear on television. They were fitted with ankle bracelets and were rarely allowed to leave the kitchen. For about four to five minutes, and in a state of obvious discomfort, the announcer tried to blurt out the words “Muslims bad, ‘Merica good.”
He finally gave up and handed the bulletin to The Orange One to read.
“Don’t worry,” the Master said to the announcer, “you tried. You’re poorly educated. I love the poorly educated.”
Professor Crème Brûlé, a leading historian at Paris-Sorbonne University, had this to say: “Nostradamus has been credited with predicting numerous events in world history — The Great Fire of London, the rise of Conor McGregor, even the winner of Super Bowl 50. People should sit up and take notice. Voting Trump into office will bring nothing but anarchy and chaos.”
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