[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Doctors have warned Trump not to seek office, as he has such a thin skin when it comes to criticism.
In 2012, we reported that Donald Trump had been advised by his physician, Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, that he should discontinue his bid for the White House due to a rare skin condition he developed after a severe roasting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. The doctor diagnosed the Donald with dermatitis deletus, or “thin skin” to the layman, and ordered Trump to undergo therapy in the form of attendance at various late night shows to help him develop a thicker skin.
The treatments seemed to work, together with the fact that Trump went through three years of no election stimulus to provoke further thin skin attacks, and the fact that Jon Stewart left the Daily Show, thereby lessening the brutally funny daily attacks on Trump’s character.
Fast forward to today, election year 2016, and Trump is back on the campaign trail against doctor’s orders. Dr. Finkelstein predicts that not only will Trump’s skin condition worsen, but it could very well lead him to again pull out of the race for the Presidency prematurely, if he doesn’t explode first.
When asked about the doctor’s statement, Trump stated defiantly, “I have never done anything prematurely, if you know what I mean. There is no problem whatsoever in that department.”
Dr. Finkelstein has taken to the airwaves to warn backers of Trump that they may be throwing good money after bad.
“Look, here is what we are dealing with,” said the good doctor. “We have a man who has suffered for years with various rare maladies befalling the rich, none of which has caused him more anguish than that of having very thin skin. If this condition is not treated properly through more intensive types of therapy, both physical and mental, there could be grave consequences not only for Mr. Trump but more importantly for the people who work for him.”
Asked to elaborate, Dr. Finkelstein issued a dire prediction, “He could literally explode,” he said. “If he doesn’t get the help he needs immediately, and if he does not pull out of the race again, I cannot be responsible for the bloodbath that could occur at any moment at the next Trump rally.”
When asked if the doctor meant a bloodbath due to rioting, he responded, “No, the rioting is a given. I am talking about Donald Trump’s veins literally popping all over the place. One vein popping and ruining one of his $10,000 suits could easily cause a chain reaction,” he said.
People close to Donald Trump agree. According to his make-up artist, the budget for pancake makeup and spray tans has gone up considerably in the past several months due to the need to cover up the veins that have begun popping out of the Donald’s head.
“Just last week, I was dismissed by Mr. Trump for taking too long to powder his temples,” said Destiny Parker, a former employee of the Donald Trump entourage.
“In my honest opinion, the only thing keeping the veins in Mr. Trump’s head from exploding is the secret weapon we in the industry refer to as ‘super glue for the skin.’ Without that, I fear Mr. Trump’s head is a ticking time bomb.”
Will these dire warnings from the professionals closest to the presidential hopeful persuade the Donald to drop out of yet another race — one that he seems to be winning against all odds? We shall have to see.
People close to Donald Trump tell us that while he is concerned about the possibility of his body parts exploding in front of thousands of supporters, that will not quench his desire for the ultimate power trip of being the most important man in the world — in real life, not just according to Time Magazine.
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