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Hillary Promises to Give Bernie Sanders His Positions Back After Primary

Mar 252016
 
 By , March 25, 2016

Hillary Clinton promises to give Bernie Sanders all of his policy positions back once she has won the Democratic presidential nomination.

WASHINGTON — Today, Democratic presidential front-runner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised her rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont he could have all of his progressive political positions back after she won the primary. Clinton confessed she considered her theft of Bernie’s policy stances a politically expedient short-term loan.

Sen. Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton“I support universal healthcare, regulating Wall Street and breaking up the banks, and free public college tuition for America’s students paid for by a tax on Wall Street speculation,” declared Clinton, who had been on the record opposing such things on numerous occasions in the very same election cycle.

Secretary Clinton continued, “Well, I support those positions until Bernie Sanders concedes the Democratic presidential nomination to me, anyway. He can have all of them back once that happens.”

“I really don’t need to keep any of Bernie’s progressive positions after the primary election due to Donald Trump being my likely Republican opponent,” explained Clinton.

An unidentified member of the press asked Secretary Clinton why she had calculated she could get away with such brazen political pandering and self-serving lies.

“It is looking increasingly likely either Donald Trump or I will be the next president. Most Americans aren’t very bright or informed,” replied Clinton.

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Alexander Vosh has lived in Rhode Island for all of his life, but is often asked where he grew up by other Rhode Islanders due to his lack of the state's R-optional accent - which will make an appearance on occasion, usually when Vosh is annoyed. Vosh is also highly allergic to right-wing politics, and thinks whisky is swell. He writes regularly for The Nil Admirari, where this story first appeared.

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