[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“The Panama Papers scandal shows that Marx’s analysis of capitalism was tragically accurate.” – Nobel Prize Committee
OSLO – Norway’s Nobel Prize Committee announced today that it was awarding its 2016 Economics Prize posthumously to Dr Karl Marx, author of Das Kapital (Capitalism), published in 1867, stating that the Panama Papers scandal has proven him absolutely correct.
“Almost everything Marx and Engels predicted has come tragically true,” admitted Nobel Prize committee chairwoman, Ms Kaci Kullmann Five (pronounced fever).
“Fortunately, they also outlined practical solutions which the Committee urges the world to reconsider.”
Ms Five noted that the Panama Papers outrage demonstrated that Marx had been essentially correct when he predicted that capitalism “would rend itself to pieces on its own inner contradictions.”
This was because the dynamo of capitalism included a pathological drive to “Accumulate! Accumulate! Accumulate!” for its own pointlessly repetitive sake.
“Look at that creep Martin Shkreli,” Ms Five said. “Or his smoother version, Jamie Dimon. Nothing will stop kroner-crazed psychopaths like these until they’re literally put out of business by the law. Iceland, which recently jailed its greediest bankers and fired its prime minister, is a good example of what can be done.”
Ms Five went on: “The Panama scandal has revealed that trillions of unused dollars and pounds and yuen are being hoarded in secret bank accounts all over the world. They buy nothing, do nothing, help nobody. Meanwhile half of humanity starves to death.”
She added that Marx had looked ahead to a day when the world’s starving would band together, country by country, to forcibly change an economic system “destroying their lives, their children’s lives, and the life of very planet itself.”
The Nobel Committee chair ended by quoting Marx’s most famous admonition: ‘Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!’
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