[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The Humor Times has obtained this exclusive transcript of Donald Trump promising to make baseball great again.
We’re going to make America’s Game great again. The Dominicans are absolutely killing us. They’re crossing our foul lines and taking roster spots from American players. Folks, they are steroid users and their pitchers throw spit-balls. I assume there are also some who follow the rule book.
We’re letting them get away with it and they’re laughing at us, folks. Laughing at us. Until we figure out which are the good Dominicans and which are the cheaters, we’re banning them from the baseball draft.
The Japanese are laughing at us too. I love the Japanese, and they love me. I have a great sushi restaurant in Trump Towers. But did you know they make us pay millions to them before we can sign their players? And we go along with it, like dummies.
I am going to put a stop to that. After I beat Hillary, the Japanese will pay us to sign their players.
And we are going to build outfield walls. When I am in my penthouse overlooking Central Park I see dozens of baseball diamonds without a single wall.
You don’t see that in the D.R. You don’t see that in Tokyo. If you don’t have a wall, you don’t have a ballpark. When I am president we will build 1,000 miles of outfield walls and the Dominicans and Japanese will pay for it!
We are in a terrible situation because baseball is run by dopes. I’ve met some team owners at charity events. They’re nice people, but the players’ agents run all over them. Believe me that’s going to change. I will send them to Trump University where they will learn how to negotiate a free agent contract.
I will also say “you’re fired!” to the commissioner. I like Rob Manfried. He ate at my steak restaurant and tipped well. But he’s weak on disciplining the steroid cheats and he appeases the American League over the designated hitter, which, by the way, has been a complete disaster.
We’ll repeal and replace the designated hitter and America is going to win again. We don’t have victories anymore. The last World Baseball Classic we didn’t even make it to the semis. That won’t happen with me. That I can tell you.
Since there are a lot of female fans, I’m going to be great for women. I will create more baseball jobs for them by having sexy cheerleaders at every game. I will donate the rejects from my Miss Universe contest and they will be more gorgeous than the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
By the way I just found out that Pete Rose endorsed me. He’s a great guy who gambles at my casinos and we’re getting Pete into the Hall of Fame. Yes we can, but not like Obama.
I am so honored by the support I’m receiving from around baseball. My poll numbers are unbelievable for both bleacher creatures and luxury box owners. Giants and Dodgers fans hate each other, but they love The Donald. I heard there is a movement to add my name to the All Star Game ballot, but I can only run one campaign at a time.
Even more remarkable is that I am running against the only Cuban in the world who doesn’t like baseball. Can you imagine Ted throwing out the first ball on Opening Day? I heard from a very reliable source that he throws like a girl. Limp wrist and all.
We are going to make baseball great again. We are going to cut luxury taxes and lower ticket prices, which are through the roof. I will give teams permission to use my name on their stadiums. You usually have to pay millions and millions to use my name, but I will give it to baseball for free.
And enough with the political correctness that has us cutting off beer sales after the seventh inning. The same goes for playing the Canadian National Anthem at Toronto Blue Jays games.
And beanballs are under attack like never before. There’s no way to retaliate. I’d love to plunk a steroid cheat right in the head.
Baseball is going to win again! That even goes for the Cubs. One hundred years of losing. No wonder Obama likes Chicago so much.
I will put Vlad in charge of the team. Believe me, Putin knows how to win. He’ll be great, trust me.
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