[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The butt bump may just be the safest greeting of all
New research findings just released from the CDC show that the “butt bump” may be the safest way to greet other people.
The CDC conducted a large-scale experiment to determine how to reduce the transmission of a number of viruses, including rhinoviruses responsible for most colds, noroviruses that cause most gastrointestinal illnesses, such as those on cruise liners, and the influenza virus (the flu).
Over a six month period, 1000 people were told to greet people with a handshake, 1000 with a high-five, 1000 with a fist bump, and 1000 with a butt bump.
Eighty percent of the study participants who used a handshake or a high-five caught two or more viruses during the six months, and these groups had, by far, the greatest number of viruses overall. Only 50% of the fist bump people caught a virus.
But a mere 10% of the butt-bumping group caught any virus during the same time period. Those who bumped butts had fewer colds and no cases of the flu.
Despite the findings, the CDC is not ready to recommend bumping butts as the safest method of greeting, because the butt bump group unexpectedly was found to have a significantly higher number of STDs during the same time period. However, officials at the CDC said they believe that this may be because they failed to correctly instruct the butt bump group.
The CDC is planning a follow-up study in which they caution the butt bump group to bump, but not grind.
Diane de Anda
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