[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘The GOP will win in 2016 but lose its political soul for all Eternity,’ the Evil One predicted, shortly after striking a new Faustian bargain with Republican leadership.
HADES – In an unprecedented interview, the Devil announced tonight that he and the Republican Party had struck a “new and historic” Faustian bargain* together.
In the GOP’s new Faustian pact, the Party will win the 2016 presidential election but only after worshiping “Satan’s Poodle,” Donald J Trump, kissing his fat ass and praising the magnificence of his mighty member on a daily (or if required, nightly) basis.
Trump himself is known to have concluded his own soul-damning Faustian bargain with the Devil many years ago, when he took over the Birther movement. For that historic moment, see artistic rendering above (no recording devices were allowed).
“Yep, the Party of Lincoln will become the Party of Trump forever,” the Devil smirked, “finally consigning itself to the living Hell it has made on earth for so many others.”
He gave an ugly, passive-aggressive laugh. “Got a real hot spot for them too,” he continued, “right next to the defunct Apartheid Regime and Pinochet’s Chile.
“Our recently rehabilitated Jim Crow wing, as we call it, features mandatory Transgendered Bathrooms, Gays Only drinking fountains, and fast drives around Hades in police vans without seat belts.”
He shook his head. “Funny, after that goody two-shoes Martin Luther King, I thought we’d never need it again. My bad!
“Anyway, we reckon Trump and his cronies will do just fine with these arrangements. After all, they did in real life.”
The Dark Lord brandished a battered copy of The Satanic Verses II.
“Remember the old prophecy?” he said almost dreamily. “When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross? Well, you damned idiots, that moment has arrived and its face is Trump!
“And if that isn’t horrific enough,” Satan wound up, “soon after his election we’ll be providing a yuuuge hand-basket for the rest of the USA to travel in on its way down here. So much for the promise of America!
“See you all in Hell, suckers!”
*[Ed. Note: The medieval German physician, Dr Johannes Faustus, sold his immortal soul to the Devil in return for fleeting worldly success. He lived to regret it.]
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