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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Devil Announces ‘New Faustian Bargain’ with Republican Party

May 122016
 
 By , May 12, 2016

‘The GOP will win in 2016 but lose its political soul for all Eternity,’ the Evil One predicted, shortly after striking a new Faustian bargain with Republican leadership.

HADES – In an unprecedented interview, the Devil announced tonight that he and the Republican Party had struck a “new and historic” Faustian bargain* together.

Trump Faustian Bargain

The art of the deal: Donald negotiates with Satan.

In the GOP’s new Faustian pact, the Party will win the 2016 presidential election but only after worshiping “Satan’s Poodle,” Donald J Trump, kissing his fat ass and praising the magnificence of his mighty member on a daily (or if required, nightly) basis.

Trump himself is known to have concluded his own soul-damning Faustian bargain with the Devil many years ago, when he took over the Birther movement. For that historic moment, see artistic rendering above (no recording devices were allowed).

“Yep, the Party of Lincoln will become the Party of Trump forever,” the Devil smirked, “finally consigning itself to the living Hell it has made on earth for so many others.”

He gave an ugly, passive-aggressive laugh. “Got a real hot spot for them too,” he continued, “right next to the defunct Apartheid Regime and Pinochet’s Chile.

“Our recently rehabilitated Jim Crow wing, as we call it, features mandatory Transgendered Bathrooms, Gays Only drinking fountains, and fast drives around Hades in police vans without seat belts.”

He shook his head. “Funny, after that goody two-shoes Martin Luther King, I thought we’d never need it again. My bad!

“Anyway, we reckon Trump and his cronies will do just fine with these arrangements. After all, they did in real life.”

The Dark Lord brandished a battered copy of The Satanic Verses II.

“Remember the old prophecy?” he said almost dreamily. “When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross? Well, you damned idiots, that moment has arrived and its face is Trump!

“And if that isn’t horrific enough,” Satan wound up, “soon after his election we’ll be providing a yuuuge hand-basket for the rest of the USA to travel in on its way down here. So much for the promise of America!

“See you all in Hell, suckers!”

*[Ed. Note: The medieval German physician, Dr Johannes Faustus, sold his immortal soul to the Devil in return for fleeting worldly success. He lived to regret it.]

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Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it.

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  • Beeker D.

    The 2016 bargain was ‘Too Late’ little mikey egan’ the demonKrats(the DNC) and the Klintoon;s had already made a ‘Pact With The Devil’ way back in the 90’s.
    Don’t you remember when the Krats voted ‘GOD’ out of the demonKrat forum in the last election? So many demonicKrats still think that was their ‘Finest Hour’!

    • Little Mikey Egan??? Lemme tell you, my hands are YUUUGE. And BTW, God answered the Krats prayers with whatshisname