[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘He’s the King of Vice, after all,’ says Trump
Donald Trump, the presumptive Republican nominee for president, shocked the party establishment and ended months of speculation by picking his running mate: Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi.
Trump skirted immediate criticism of Berlusconi’s as a non-citizen by saying, “We’ll find him a nice, quiet American beauty for a wife, that’ll make him more American than any of these other losers who want to be my VP. He’s also a billionaire, he can just buy himself a U.S. citizenship. My lawyers are working on it.”
Corey Lewandowski, The Donald’s campaign manager, said Berlusconi was the perfect pick. “He’s like the Italian Donald. They have so much in common: they’re both stinking rich, both unrepentant racists, use the same hair-transplant guy, both know ‘all the best words’ — in their respective languages, of course — and they both know how to treat the little ladies.”
“If, God forbid, Donald is incapacitated, he said, “no worries, we’ve got his double in the wings, ready to take over. It’s a two-for-one deal for America.”
Trump announced the pick at a press conference this morning, saying, “Silvio Berlusconi is the right man for the job, he’s luxurious. Just look at him. Golden. Like me. He’s a winner. And he did a great job with Italy. Tremendous.”
Trump held up Berlusconi’s foreigner status as a positive, saying, “They won’t be able to say I have no foreign policy any more. No one else has an actual foreigner as a running mate.”
“And talk about a guy who can throw a party,” said Trump, “we’re going to have the greatest, most luxurious inaugural ball ever, I can tell you. Beautiful young women everywhere, he’s got connections. I know. I’ve been to some of his ‘bunga bunga’ parties. Amazing. The man knows what he’s doing, I can tell you.”
“Yeah,” agreed Lewandowski, “the guy knows how to treat women, just like Donald and I do — keep ’em quiet, young and stupid, like God intended.
“And bury them when they try to sue you, like those crazy bitches Megyn Kelly and Michelle Fields.”
While announcing the VP pick, it seemed that Trump could barely contain himself, showering the former Italian Prime Minister with a tumult of superlative praise — the direct opposite of the way he treats other Republicans, especially those who dared to run against him.
“Silvio Berlusconi is a man’s man,” gushed Trump, “hell, he could almost turn me gay. Almost. Don’t get carried away, you sleazy, lying reporters, I said ‘almost.'”
“But he’s magnificent,” Trump continued. “He’s got big hands, I can assure you. He’ll help make American great again, Italian style. And anyone who says otherwise is an unpatriotic liar, and deserves to be shot. Or at least punched in the face.”
“If you want the true measure of a man,” Trump said, “look at the women he surrounds himself with. Like me, only the most beautiful, sexy ladies, like my supermodel trophy — I mean wife. Women love him, like they love me.”
“Sure, I could’ve picked Christie or Cruz as my running mate, but, c’mon… have you seen their wives? I mean, let’s get real.”
When confronted with the scandal-laden legacy and tattered economy Berlusconi left behind in Italy, Trump got defensive.
“Oh well, a little bribery here, underage rape there. Abuse of office, corruption, wiretaps — sure, I’ve heard it all. It’s all lies. The press in Italy lies, just like our press. When I’m president, we’re going to strengthen our libel laws, I can tell you, and if anyone says anything bad about my Silvio, they’re going to have to answer to me.”
“The man has experience running a country, that’s what matters,” Trump said. “He nearly rewrote their constitution, did you know that? Stupid citizens with their dumb referendum stopped him. The man’s got brass balls.
“I’m going to pick his brain — which is a very good one, like mine — and we’re going to straighten out this country, and make it great again. Vote Trump/Berlusconi!”
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