[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘We’d rather deal with the devil we know for another four years than risk a Trump or Clinton presidential calamity with this election.’ – Sen. Mitch McConnell.
In a stunning turn of events, the Republican party has made a historic offer to the Democrats: Work with them to cancel this year’s presidential election, and they will allow Obama another four years in the White House.
“It’s either that, or the end of civilization as we know it,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“It sounds crazy, but both parties know their candidates are fatally flawed, so it could work,” said Bill Kristol, conservative editor of The Weekly Standard. “I couldn’t talk David French into running as an independent, so this is the next best thing.”
“All us conservatives hate Trump, even the ones endorsing him now — they’re all just covering their asses in case he is elected,” Kristol said. “And Clinton is not trusted, even by her own party. Democrats know Hillary could be indicted at any moment, dooming her bid, so they may well go along with the deal.”
“And Bernie? C’mon. He’s offering solutions that actually work in Europe — everyone knows that won’t fly with real Americans!”
But Donald Trump will not simply lie down and let the nomination slip through his tiny hands. “They can have the nomination when they when they pry it from my cold, dead, little, itty-bitty fingers!” he shouted at a campaign rally today.
Establishment Republicans, however, have long been wringing their own rather smallish hands over Donald Trump, unsuccessfully trying to wrest the nomination away from him throughout the process. They fear the very destruction of their party should he be allowed to ascend to the presidency in this year’s election.
“Donald Trump would probably destroy the country financially and socially, and may initiate a global nuclear holocaust over some perceived slight from a Chinese leader or something — but that’s not what we’re worried about,” said McConnell. “We’re concerned that he will damage our brand.”
“We’ve put up with white supremacists and idiotic tea partiers in our party for years, we can handle that. But the train wreck that would be a Trump presidency? He’d bury us. We’d rather buy some time to right the ship, and deal with the devil we know for another four years — Barack Obama,” he added.
“Sure, there are some constitutional issues to deal with, like presidential term limits, but when has that old rag of a document ever got in the way when we wanted to do something?” McConnell asked rhetorically.
“Besides, we’ve kinda had fun fucking with ol’ Barack all this time,” he chuckled. “And, hell, all that crap about Obama taking away our guns and being a secret Muslim? Everyone but the diehard teabillies know that was just us playing pranks and twisting Dems’ knickers in a bunch.”
The DNC has not yet officially responded to the proposal.
However, party chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz hinted at an eventual decision today, telling reporters, “Even a diehard Hillary supporter like myself can read the writing on the wall — as well as the FBI probe reports.”
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