[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Sources: Elizabeth Warren has not been able to stop showering since endorsing Hillary Clinton.
BOSTON — Sources close to Elizabeth Warren say the Massachusetts Senator has checked herself into the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute at Harvard Medical School.
“I just don’t feel clean anymore,” Ms. Warren was quoted saying, as she talked to the triage nurse in the admitting area of the Hospital. “I think I need serious help!” she wailed.
At one point during the admittance process, Sen. Warren excused herself to use the bathroom. After several minutes, an aide went to check on her, only to find Ms. Warren sitting on the floor next to the sink with several paper towels in hand, trying to scrub her arms and legs.
“There is dirt everywhere,” she muttered as she was escorted from the bathroom and admitted to the Institute.
When asked if her endorsement of Hillary Clinton had anything to do with her sudden urge to incessantly cleanse herself, Elizabeth Warren replied, “Well, I don’t really know if it is my endorsement of Secretary Clinton, or my disdain for Donald Trump. All I can tell you is, I never felt this dirty going after Donald.”
A hospital spokesperson said they will keep a close eye on Sen. Warren to make sure she doesn’t do any more harm to herself.
The doctor in charge said it was too soon to tell what type of treatment they might employ. However, he would not rule out getting in touch with the DNC and talking them into allowing her to back out of her endorsement.
“We are going to begin by showing Sen. Warren clips of Hillary Clinton speeches and determining if her behavior worsens. My guess is that she will immediately try to strong arm the aides into letting her take a shower, and if that is the case, we will have our culprit.”
In the meantime, doctors have been trying to reach Bernie Sanders for an impromptu intervention, but have been unsuccessful. They were told he was in meetings all weekend and could not be disturbed. When told about Sen. Warren’s condition, he simply said “Elizabeth who?”
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