[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘That’s how a businessman runs a country – he makes a buck or three,’ asserted GOP nominee Donald Trump. ‘Besides, I’ve invested hundreds of my own dollars, and need to recoup them.’
NYC – Donald Trump announced today that immediately after taking office in January 2017 he’ll “put the office of president up for sale, or at least for rent,” as befits a “real businessman.”
“All my fans say they want me to run America like a business,” he said, noting that he is already running his presidential campaign that way. “And as America’s CEO, I intend to be compensated at least as well as Jamie Dimon.”
Mr Trump said that cabinet appointments and ambassadorships would also “naturally” be for sale, “just as in previous administrations. No change there.”
However, he noted that the single exception in his case would be Supreme Court nominations.
“They are already owned outright by the NRA,” Trump explained. “No one else gets to touch it. Hell, they paid enough for it.”
In response to a reporter’s question, Trump candidly admitted that “of course” politics is “just another business,” and has almost nothing to do with actually governing the country.
“That’s why congressmen and senators will do anything to get elected, whether their party wins overall or not. Look at that pathetic little coward McCain or that fatty, Crisp Crispie,” he said, laughing at his own joke.
“A seat,” he continued, “means bribes, lobbyists, a great salary with all kinds of benefits, legal insider trading and almost no work. Why the hell should it be any different for el presidente?”
Swinging a golf club, he proudly continued: “I’m sure you saw on TV how I sold some suites at my Turnbury golf course in Scotland. Also gave a campaign speech at the same time. That’s how you do it.”
Trump waved a handsomely-framed photograph of his future presidential seal.
“Like my friend Rod Blagojevich said — remember he was the governor who controlled Obama’s empty senate seat for a while — well, he said, ‘I’ve got this thing, and it’s fucking golden. You just don’t give it away for nothing.’
“Damn right, and that’s exactly how I feel about the US presidency. It’s worth money, man! Valuable! It’s this tremendous thing! I’m not just gonna give it away for nothing!”
Mr Trump stroked his silken locks. “Okay, so Rod got caught, but not me, because I’m gonna make it legal.
“It will be so fucking legal you will be sick of its legality, believe me.”
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