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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Roll of Duct Tape Named Trump’s New Communications Director

Jul 152016
 By , July 15, 2016

An ongoing effort to professionalize the unconventional Trump campaign has resorted to some rather unconventional strategies.

In a further effort to professionalize their unconventional campaign, the Trump team today named a utility grade roll of silver Duct Tape as their new director of communications.

Donald Trump, duct tapeCampaign manager Paul Manafort stated the Scotch brand all-purpose adhesive will take the lead role over the campaign’s message and interactions with the news media as well as “forcibly preventing Trump’s stupid mouth from saying words.”

Manafort says the 1.88” by 30 yard roll of duct tape will also be vital in the campaign’s new social media strategy by “physically restraining Trump’s arms and hands to a metal chair which has been firmly bolted to the basement floor of Trump Tower.”

The roll of duct tape is one of a number of new hires the campaign has added to its communications team in recent days including: a grease-stained rag, a bottle of chloroform and a 40 foot length of rope.

At press time Mr. Trump was unavailable for comment on this story.

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J Crock

J Crock is a veteran newsman with over 50 years experience who doesn't understand why his serious attempts at reporting the news keep winding up on the comedy section of this publication. He spends his days imploring the editors to cease making a mockery of his craft, his nights filled with rage and one day very soon, he will have his revenge. Oh, yes… he'll have his revenge.

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