[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Camouflaged pink robot and redneck assault rifle army saves day against tennis ball plot.
Inside, Donald Trump screamed at America, trying his best to scare everyone into voting for a guy who has no experience in government, but makes big money in his specialty, building bankruptcies.
“I know how to game the system, been doing it for forty years. So, believe me, I’m the best guy to rig it from the inside for us billionaires. But you poors will love it, trust me!” he shouted, as if to unruly school children.
Outside, a threat was building that nearly brought down the entire convention: tennis balls. Not even a hundred assault rifle-wielding redneck patriots could stop them, distracted as they were by trying to look important and menacing.
So, a squadron of riot police moved in, backed up by federal SWAT teams. Carefully, so as not to set off the terrifying phalanx of Code Pink women, a dozen strong, the police confiscated their frightening weapons: pink tennis balls.
What caused these pink-clad plotters to ignore the law, which clearly stated that these dangerous tennis balls were not allowed anywhere near the site of the convention (but assault rifles were a-ok), is not known. But police believed they had contained the threat, and began arresting these un-American tennis enthusiasts.
Suddenly, however, one lone Code Pinker, a 70-year-old grandma, appeared on top of a newspaper stand, holding a fully loaded tennis ball and racket high above her head, and shouting, “I’ll serve it! I’ll serve it! HA! It’s 40-Love, last set, and I’ll ace this puppy! You’ll lose!”
Cleveland’s finest police officers swung into action. They knew exactly what to do, taking a page from Dallas police. They brought out “Blasty” the robot, camouflaged in pink to blend in, with a bomb attached to its spiny little fingers.
Guiding it toward the armed grannie suspected terrorist, an officer in riot gear, summoning his best Donald Trump voice, screamed, “We will have Law and Order! Safety will be restored! Put down the tennis ball! Slowly! Or we send in Blasty!”
Luckily, the tactic saved the day. The little pink grannie put the little pink tennis ball down, and was taken into custody and tortured, as per The Donald’s wishes. America was safe again!
The incident only seemed to strengthen support for Trump. His supporters began tweeting in earnest:
“Deport all grannies, before they destroy America from the inside!”
“People don’t kill people, tennis balls do! Ban this wimpy sport, start the football season, already!”
“Make America Tennis-Free Again! Put Assault Rifle Patriots on Every Tennis Court!”
And even Trump himself tweeted: “Thanks to our Armed Tea Party Patriots, and a sweet little pink robot bomb, safety was restored, just as I promised! Now, I humbly say, get back in your houses and cower before your TV’s, and await my next orders. Or else Blasty may come pay YOU a visit!”
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