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Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/15/16

Aug 152016
 By , August 15, 2016

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Woman sees Trump’s face in tub of butter

This also explains his support from Chris Christie.

 Taylor Swift spotted kissing oil heir Mike Hess while Tom Hiddleston is not around – report

Sounds like someone’s planning a double album.

NYC white supremacist blows off his own leg making bombs at his house: prosecutors

Proving sometimes the right to bear arms can cost a leg.

Hillary Clinton releases tax returns showing she paid 3.6 million in taxes

Y’know, someone in Russia said, ‘I already knew that.’

Giuliani: ‘Everybody calm down’ about Trump’s poll numbers

Adding: ‘It’s just like when I ran. Oh wait, holy crap. Panic.’

Head of the American Nazi Party now thinks Donald Trump is a “real opportunity’

Man, the KKK must feel like they’re getting cheated on.

Happy 79 Birthday, Dustin Hoffman

That’s 79, 79. Definitely, 79. 79, 79. Definitely 79…

Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson: We weren’t in Afghanistan until Obama decided to go in

Adding: ‘Who let the dogs out? Obama, that’s who, who…’

Michael Phelps wins 23rd career gold in final Rio race

The only time you’ll see more gold is when Flavor Flav smiles.

Mark Cuban is voting for Hillary Clinton and thinks you should, too

Between this, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, Trump must really hate those Cubans…

Kenny Baker, actor behind R2-D2, dies

To be sure, did anyone pull out the plug, then put the plug back in?

Ex pharmaceutical exec Martin Shkreli claims Hillary Clinton has Parkinson’s

Mostly so he can overcharge her for medicine to pay his legal bills for insider trading.

Adorably clueless dog is super happy about finding a huge dildo

No word how the dog got past Kanye’s bodyguards.

Regional ISIS leader killed by U.S. drone

Well done, Ben Stein.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written and/or Produced for shows on FUSE, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO, XM/Sirius and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on Leno, Letterman, Conan, "Last Comic Standing," etc., Hobo Pancakes and Humor Times. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)

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