Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Ryan Lochte story of getting robbed in Rio made up
Jeez, you just know Michael Phelps would have made up a better story… and faster.
Paul Manafort resigns as head Of Trump campaign
Not surprisingly Trump dumped him for a younger campaign manager.
Playboy Mansion sells for $100 million
It’s an amazing property complete with dozens of trimmed bushes.
Fox News reporter says Hillary and Obama are baiting Trump to say ‘stupid sh*t’
While Michelle’s been baiting Melania to repeat her stuff.
FDA approves OxyContin for children 11 and over
Look for them to come in Pebbles, Fred, Betty, Bam-Bam, and Wilma Flintstones’ shapes.
Kim Kardashian spotted in Mexico
Build the wall now, Donald. Build the wall now.
Pornhub has been hacked, and you won’t believe what they found
Donald Trump’s tax returns, where he’s screwing the IRS.
Happy 73rd birthday, Robert DiNiro
Yes, I’m talking to you. You see anyone else around here who just turned 73?
Republican John Negroponte endorses Hillary
Or, as he’s known by the politically correct, John African-Americanponte.
Bill Clinton turns 70
Making 70 the new 69.
6 Notre Dame football players arrested overnight Friday on various charges
Who do they think they are? Olympic swimmers?
Clinton or Trump? Which candidate does the marijuana industry favor?
I guess they need someone to tell them because they keep forgetting the answer.
Roger Ailes will be advising Trump before the presidential debates
I guess they couldn’t get Bill Cosby.
Happy 50th anniversary, Beatle’s ‘Revolver’
Remember the only thing that can stop a good ‘Revolver’ tribute is a bad ‘Revolver’ tribute.
Like this content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!