[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Drug cartels and coyotes look to modernize their businesses with Trump’s help.
Prepared for the worst, the Mexican military and the U.S. Secret Service are totally baffled that they did not uncover one plot or attempt by the Mexican drug cartels or the coyotes that smuggle people illegally into the states to “take out” Mr. Trump during his recent visit to Mexico.
Especially after he insisted that he was going to build a wall, which was widely believed would not only lower the flow of the undocumented, but make it more difficult for drug trafficking, some type of reprisal was expected.
Rumors quickly spread that Trump has worked out a secret agreement, businessman to businessman, to not interfere with their industry. But a Humor Times mole has uncovered the true reason for the cartel’s “hands-off” policy toward Mr. Trump.
It seems that the cartels think Trump’s election will only facilitate their business. He will concentrate on building the wall or trying to get the funds to build the wall, and will be satisfied that nothing more needs to be done to stop the flow of drugs into the country. “The Wall” will become his total drug prevention policy. The cartels plan to cut back supplies for a few months to let “El Pendejo,” as they refer to him, claim that his “solution” has worked.
Meanwhile, the cartels are purchasing large-scale drilling equipment and hiring anyone who worked in a mine. The mole reports seeing plans for an elaborate network of tunnels that will rival the catacombs of ancient Rome to be built at various points under the wall and beyond. They are contracting with the railroads for a small underground rail line that will be known as Trump Trolleys. They will be hiring local coyotes as railroad conductors.
They also credit Trump with increasing their recreation. The members of the cartel gather together at a local sports bar/cantina, play Trump speeches on the wide screen, and cheer and take a shot of tequila each time he says the word “wall.”
Diane de Anda
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