[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
New poll reveals a lot about what American voters think of their presidential candidates.
By Tim Torkildson
The PEW Research center has just released results from their poll asking the American people “What do you think is in each of the major presidential candidates’ closets?”
Here’s how it breaks down:
In Donald Trump’s Closet
- A ton of discarded hair brushes — 77%
- The biggest roll of barbed wire you ever saw — 55%
- Lace hijabs from Victoria’s Secret — 89%
- The remains of his last four CPAs — 39%
- A well-used Ouija board — 598% (Hot button issue, we guess)
- Alf — 23%
- Stuffed shirts — 99%
- A taco truck — 66%
- Mitt Romney’s old neckties — 18%
- Mitt Romney — 25%
Before we reveal the statistics on Ms Clinton’s closet, we’d like to explain how our survey works.
We take a random sampling of ordinary citizens (or Martians, when available — they have a keen grasp of our politics) and have them choose an odd or even number. Those that choose odd are given a free vacation in Belize for one week and then tattooed with their zip code before being given a hashtag like #Rumplestiltskin or #FloogleStreet. Then they are released back into the wild to breed.
Those that choose an even number are given jobs making latex gloves and fed on nothing but oatmeal for two months — at which time they are driven to the nearest bus station to board any southbound bus of their choosing. This may seem arbitrary, but each one is given a sack lunch.
Under these conditions we find that our respondents always give an unbiased opinion — or else.
We tabulate the results using a calliope under the direction of John Williams. These are then double checked by the Electoral College and immediately thrown away. Then we make up the numbers while laughing our heads off.
And wait till you hear how the Gallup Poll works.
But enough of that tommyrot. Here’s what our respondents said about the contents of Ms Clinton’s closet:
In Hillary Clinton’s Closet
- Enough sensible shoes to stock a Famous Footware — 45%
- Rubber waders (it gets awful deep out there sometimes) — 76%
- A cozy bed for her Guatemalan maid — 87%
- The brain of Bernie Sanders (in a pickle jar) — 33%
- Cotton hijabs from Walmart — 23%
- A coffin with a layer of Arkansas dirt on the bottom, where she lays at night — 49%
- One dark suit, made of tank armor — 65%
- A transmitter, where she receives instructions from Gloria Steinem — 32%
- A dozen white cotton t-shirts that read “Email THIS, sucker!” — 54%
- Bill Clinton’s written marriage vows to her (kept in a pig’s eye) — 88%
- A secret panel, which reveals a tunnel leading directly to the Bat Cave — 11%
As an addendum, we polled a total of six thousand people to speculate on the contents of the vice presidential candidates’ closets, but the results were extremely sketchy and inconclusive. The fact of the matter is that most respondents thought that both Pence and Kaine must live in trailer homes, and so didn’t have any closet space; and that they lived out of cardboard boxes and went dumpster diving in between campaign appearances.
(If you would like to participate in a Pew Research project please contact somebody who cares.)
[See Tim Torkildson’s blog here.]
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