[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘C’mon, those Flint people are just pussies – no pun intended. I like a city that doesn’t get sick from poison.’
In what was seen as an effort to divert attention from the latest Trump scandal, #PussyGate, the Republican nominee for president called the Flint water crisis a “hoax” at a campaign stop in Lansing, Michigan. He said they should stop complaining about the lack of media coverage of a whole city getting poisoned, because it never happened.
“They’re moaning about this so-called water crisis, they’re moaning from sickness — I don’t know — but they’re weak, believe me,” said Trump to his adoring followers.
“And let’s face it, Hillary would love for this to be a scandal for the Republican Governor. So, they made it up, I hear, with the help of the liberal media. It’s a hoax, like global warming. I mean, a whole city? Poisoned? Really? Come on. Who would believe that? Never happened.
“Or, if it did, the Democrats did it. I don’t know. Maybe they planted some lead in those pipes, you know? Probably got the lead from the Mexicans.
“I’ve been hearing things. A lot of people are talking, believe me.”
Trump explained that even if it did happen, the Republican governor was not to blame.
“It’s not Governor Snyder’s fault, that I can tell you. He tried to save Flint. He brought in city managers, because the elected Democrats running the town didn’t know what they were doing! So he booted ’em right out of there. Just took ’em out. That’s strong leadership. Like Putin.
“Strong leader. I like that. Maybe I’ll make him V.P., if Pence keeps acting like he’s better than me.
“Anyway, the city managers, they put in money-saving measures, because the city was in bad shape. Terrible shape, I can tell you. And they came in and saved money, by getting the water from the river instead of from Lake Michigan.
“So, that’s all they did. How the lead got in there, nobody knows. Not the scientists, nobody. Maybe someone should ask Hillary and the Democrats. They’re the ones that knew about it and started talking about it first. How did they know? I don’t know. Someone should ask them.”
The crowd roared with approval and started chanting “Crooked Hillary! Crooked Hillary!”
“I mean what a drag on your beautiful state, right?” he yelled to the crowd, who reacted with hoots of “Pussies!” and “Commies!”
“Hey, you’ve got problems? Welcome to the club. I’ve got problems, I can tell you,” Trump said to laughs from the crowd. “I mean, talk about political correctness, am I right? I’m just hanging out with the guys on the bus, talking about women. What’s all the fuss? Boys can’t even be boys anymore.”
“And the women don’t mind, believe me, they like it. They love me. Right, ladies?” he said, to a wave of screams from the women in the audience. “Hey, you got clogged pipes? I can clean out your pipes, if you know what I mean,” he added.
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