Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/17/16 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bob Dylan wins Nobel Prize in Literature

Make sense, he sounds like he’s singing in Swedish…

Dear Ken Bone, please don’t accept X-rated site’s $100K offer

Well, to be fair, he already has a porn star name.

Trump Tweetstorm: Paul Ryan ‘weak and ineffective.’

Wow, Trump’s not only running for Prez but also coming up with the bumper stickers for Ryan 2020.

155,000 Jobs were added to economy

Whoops, 154,999 if you count Billy Bush.

Trump says he can now take his ‘shackles off’

Look for the Tarantino movie version ‘Derange-o Unchained.’

Mother gives birth in checkout line at Walmart

Seems it was the only thing actually made in America in the store.

Barack Obama just nominated a Muslim to be a Federal Judge – That’s a first

Time before Rush Limbaugh claims Obama nominated himself? 3… 2… 1…

George Pataki calls on Trump to ‘step down’ from race

Even Google isn’t sure who George Pataki is…

Clinton: Russia trying to influence election for Trump

Seems even Trump’s dirty tricks aren’t made in the America.

McCain: I ‘might write in Lindsey Graham’ for President

Enough already, get a room, you two.

Happy 45th birthday, Billy Bush

…If you’re still using that name.

Gary Johnson couldn’t name North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un

I don’t know about Prez, but he’s more qualified to host Miss Universe than Steve Harvey.

Geraldo Rivera says he’s got videos of Trump more disgusting than the Billy Bush ones

In fairness, that may only be because Geraldo’s in them.

White supremacists are using DNA tests to prove their whiteness

And, IQ tests to prove their lack of brightness.

Scientists: days away from finding out if a mysterious star could actually harbor an alien

Just tell them, already, will ya, Johnny Depp.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)