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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Trump Attacks Humor Times as ‘Most Corrupt, Dishonest and Just Plain Nasty Magazine Ever’

Oct 212016
 
 By , October 21, 2016

‘Who is this nasty editor, Jammin’ James Israel?’ the nominee demands, ‘and why does he play the guitar?

LAS VEGAS — Following Wednesday night’s disastrous debate performance, Donald Trump today blamed the “elitist, Clinton-loving Humor Times” for his defeat.

Nasty Humor Times, Donald Trump“I can’t believe some of the stuff I read about myself in that nasty slut of a rag,” he said. “It’s full of lies, they even say so right up front! Foe News! The columnists are totally rigged against me!”

Trump singled out the current issue, which, he said, “contains no fewer than five lyin’ stories about me outa six. And that’s just the front page.”

The Fuming Fuhrer brandished his little fist.

“Here’s one,” he said, “with so-called suggested new slogans for my so-called election campaign. They’re from some sex-crazed commie loser called Roger Fried or Freed. Listen to this:

“Whereas Reagan was nicknamed The Gipper, Donald will be nicknamed The Groper.”

“That’s disgusting,” said the next president of Trump TV. “Because of course I will be known forever as ‘The Grabber.’ Believe me.”

Trump went on to say that another offensive Humor Times article was by “someone called P. Beckert who seems strangely preoccupied,” he sniffed, “with oral sex.”

“No one respects bimbos more than I do, believe me,” Trump noted. “The only gagging that’s going on is them, because of my yuuge yuugeness. I mean there’s no problem down there, believe me.”

Trump pulled out a sheet of paper and began waving  it over his head.

“I have here a list,” he shouted “of no less than 67 or maybe three or 15 dishonest and crooked writers who regularly publish in the Yuma Times, including nasty people like Will Durst, Paul Lander, Gary Chew, Jim Hightower, Diane de Anda, Ben Krull and Howard Zaharoff!

“Also in the October issue there’s a disgusting piece on those wimps in Flint by someone called Jammin’ Jimmy Israel, what kinda cosmopolitan, international-banker name is that? You know what I’m talking about.”

Trump’s fading toupee lifted slightly in the breeze. “And then that Freed or Fried guy also reports about my plans to set up an American gulag. How’d he find out about that, huh?

“What’s even worse, he doesn’t report that it will be the best gulag, very classy, and Putin’s gonna pay for it. Not that I know him, but we get along. Bill and Hillary are gonna love it, they’re going to be the first tenants, believe me.”

Trump noted that in his honest and unqualified opinion there was only one professional, decent, upstanding, good-looking and certainly underpaid journalist on what he called “the very Un-Humorous Times.” And that is “my hero, Michael Egan.”

“You should read his brilliant, sobering report about Muhammad Ali outa Stockholm,” Trump added. “This is Nobel Prize winning journalism, or at least deserving of being stolen by The Drudge Report.”

Mr Trump refused to say whether he would be cancelling his long-standing subscription to Humor Times magazine (Editor’s note: available worldwide, in print or digital formats!).

 “I’m gonna leave you all in suspense,” he said.

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Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it. Check out his website, Editorial and Political Cartoons.

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  • Roger Freed

    Hey! Wait a minute! I’ve been plagiarized!
    Where is my lawyer’s number?

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