[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Trump confesses he has Affluenza: ‘This is why I concealed my medical records!’
NYC — A shock report in the New York Post had the Trump campaign reeling today, after the GOP nominee himself admitted: “I have terminal Stage 4 Affluenza!”
Otherwise known as “Captain Queeg’s Disease,” after the sociopathic captain in The Caine Mutiny, Stage 4 Affluenza is a terminal diagnosis in which a highly privileged and even powerful individual experiences delusions of persecution, suffering, injustice, verbal diarrhea, and hypergynophobia (an exaggerated fear of women). It afflicts only the children of the wealthiest one percent.
“Yes, I have been diagnosed with Stage 4 Advanced Affluenza Syndrome (ASS),” Trump admitted at a press conference in the lobby of Trump (now Scion) Tower today.
“Like that poor persecuted kid, Ethan Couch, and his saintly Mom,” he said, “I might have to emigrate to Mexico, the el presidente there loves me! He will reimburse us.”
Trump continued: “As for losing the election, you can’t blame me. It’s all my Daddy’s fault. Any time I wanted a million or 14 he just coughed up and made everything great again!
“This explains most of my really stupid moves, including a fat ‘up yours’ right now to any minority group or gender classification I haven’t yet offended. Your mother wears army boots,” he sneered, “and I’m gonna march her right back to whatever hell hole she clawed her way out of!”
He added: “But I know you all really love me! Don’t forget to vote for that nasty woman on November 28, losers. Just being sarcastic.”
According to the medical report, congenital Affluentics like young Donald are raised to believe they can do anything they like without consequences.
After puberty and intense hormone treatment for “small hands,” the report adds, Donald’s “toxic Affluentic environment” taught him that his first response to females should be to “pop a Tic -Tac and grab ’em by the pussy.”
The report concludes: “As this suggests, an irrational sense of entitlement is the first and most lasting symptom of Stage 4 Affluenza, persisting into old age.”
Citing this conclusion, Trump added: “This is why I’m asking for your vote, America! Because, gosh darn it, I’ve earned it!”
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