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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Mephistopheles: Running for God to ‘Make the Almighty Mighty Again!’

Nov 022016
 
 By , November 2, 2016

‘Heaven is totally rigged,’ the Devil said, blaming an incompetent God. ‘Only I can bring back real evil and a Trump Presidency.’

DEPTHS OF HELL — Surrounded by wisps of sulfur and members of the Satanic Council, ranking house devil Mephistopheles announced at midnight that he was a candidate for God in 2016. Brandishing his hoof, the orange-faced antichrist promised that he would “Make the Almighty Mighty Again in my first hundred millennia!”

mephistopheles, God, hell, electionHanding out MAMA political halos to eager supporters, Mephistopheles said that Jehovah and His “tired old celestial system” had never been more unpopular.

“I call Him Suckin’ Joe Hoover,” the archfiend sneered, making a giant shlooping sound like NAFTA jobs heading for Mexico.

“Suckin’ Joe’s been hoovering  up them Hallelujahs and Praise the Lords for all freakin’ eternity, and what have we and the rest of humanity got for it? Look around, my friend. Not nearly enough hunger, grief, global warming, pollution, disease, wars, poverty and tears.”

The Devil pointed to Beelzebub, Satan, Lucifer and new council member Kellyanne Conway, all defiantly holding up Make the Almighty Mighty Again signs.

“All of us so-called ‘deplorables,'” he said, “not to mention the 99% of humanity stuck down here with us forever, think it’s time for a change. A big change. It’s time for the elite, goody-goody-two-shoes one per cent up there to do some real damage to the planet, which I will certainly start on just as soon as I’m elected.”

The Devil held up a chart showing an ascending red line.

“The polls prove the world agrees,” he said. “Millions are turning away from Him. Atheism and even Mormonism are on the rise, while His commandments are cynically ignored or manipulated. Priests and rabbis guiltlessly fondle in the name of God and Muslims pray before they rape! Goddy’s been around for 30 millennia and what has He ever accomplished except a little child abuse and maybe the Holocaust, which no one believes really happened anyway.

“Look around, brothers and sisters. Do you see any real killings, theft, adultery and greed? Face it, these things are mainly limited to Republicans and evangelical ministers. How about covetousness, bearing false witness, and making graven images? Unholy unmoly, artists now get paid millions for it! And who today doesn’t take the name of the Lord in vain, for Chrissakes?”

To chants of “Jail Mary, Mother of Disgrace!” and “Judas Was Right!” a chorus of short-skirted Miss Universe contestants sang “Heaven, we’re in Heaven!” followed by squealing pussy grabs from the candidate himself.

Wiping off his little hoof, Mephistopheles added: “Listen, I used to be one of them, so I know how their corrupt system works. I’m really unsaintly, believe me. You’ll have to anyway, after I’m elected.”

He lifted his hoof. “My fellow fallen, I arrogantly accept your nomination for God! We’re gonna Make the Almighty Mighty Again, and that, my friends, means Me!”

Accompanied by thousands of his eternally damned followers, the Devil laughed all the way to the polling booth.

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Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it. Check out his website, Editorial and Political Cartoons.

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