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Uncle Sam Visits His Shrink

Nov 062016
 
 By , November 6, 2016

Psychiatrist for Uncle Sam, Dr. Baruch Obamowitz, is called upon to interpret his patient’s recurring nightmare.

Uncle Sam: In the dream I am attacked by a mob of deplorable white men.
Doc: This is very perplexing.

uncle samSam: It gets stranger. The mob steals my multi-colored stovetop hat and makes me wear a red baseball cap.
Doc: Perhaps this is a reaction to drinking too much tea.

Sam: I gave up tea four years ago.
Doc: Tell me more about these deplorable. Are they all wearing red baseball caps?

Sam: Yes…and they have pitchforks!
Doc: How have you been coping with this nightmare?

Sam: First I ignored it, thinking it would fade, like the dream I had about my body being occupied by twenty-somethings who hadn’t bathed in several weeks. But the nightmares became more frequent. I called your office but was told you were out of town.
Doc: I had a consulting gig in Syria, but it didn’t work out.

Sam: I saw Dr. Don Juan, but he couldn’t understand why the dreams were disturbing.
Doc: Dr. Juan, the T.V. psychologist? I heard he lost his license for dating his patients.

Sam: He spent our entire session tweeting stuff.
Doc: Did you see anyone else?

Sam: I had an appointment with Dr. Green, but she was too inexperienced. I also had a session with Dr. Libby, but he was a real contrarian.
Doc: Tell me what else is happening. Dating anyone?

Sam: I dated an Israeli guy, but he would say one thing and do another. Then I hooked up with a European dud, but dumped him because I thought he was going to ask me for money.
Doc: Dating men? That’s a change for you.

Sam: I’ve been experimenting with my sexuality.
Doc: Let’s get back to your nightmares.

Sam: What’s the round thing on your desk?
Doc: It’s an orange. I am having it with lunch.

Sam: It’s giving me a flashback to my nightmare. Everyone in the mob has orange hair!
Doc: This could be a breakthrough.

Sam: I see a cavalry of women in pantsuits coming to my rescue!
Doc: Now I understand the dream. You are conflicted about your gender.

Sam: You mean I might really want to be Aunt Samantha?
Doc: Unfortunately our time is up.

Sam: When can I see you next?
Doc: I am retiring soon, so you will have to continue with another therapist.

Sam: Can you make a referral?
Doc: I think the best choice would be Dr. Holly Hill.

Sam: I heard she has a grating bedside manner.
Doc: I think she’s likable enough.

Sam: Isn’t there anyone else?
Doc: I know several other qualified doctors, but none of them will accept your health insurance.

Sam: I guess Dr. Hill is my only choice.
Doc: Here is her card, so you can call to make an appointment. But whatever you decide NEVER contact her by email.

*** THE END ***

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Ben Krull

Ben Krull is a Family Law attorney in New York and a freelance writer. His essays have appeared in The New York Times, Baltimore Sun, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and other publications.
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