[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Well-paid ‘pro pros’ trained in protest and ‘pussy rioting’ at cynically named ‘Trump University’
NYC – Donald Trump’s shock election victory has spurred a “dramatic growth” in what the president-elect himself identified as “professional protest.”
Founded last week in Manhattan, a new for-profit company called “Protestors Urging Safety and Security Yuge!” (PUSSY) is virtually “grabbing” women and some men off the streets, promising to train them to be professional protestors or “pro pros,” within a matter of weeks if not days.
According to PUSSY president Harry Twat, the growing national and even international demand for professional protest positions against Trump “goes far beyond the missionary.” Earning prospects during his presidency, he noted, are “tumescent and rising,” and expected to “stay up” until reaching a “climax” in 2020.
“However, if it lasts longer than four years,” he counseled, “you may have seek international help.”
Twat noted that plans for a graduate program in Advanced Political Protestation, known informally as Pussy Riot, are being made by an ad hoc group satirically calling itself “Trump University.”
A sub-set of self-styled “Twits” will specialize in cyber protests on Trump’s Twitter bird feed. The plan is to keep him sleep-deprived by tweeting provocative statements at 3 am.
“We are already providing over a million professional protestors for the march on Washington, January 21 2017,” Mr Twat said.
“And of course not one of them would be there without our training and career placement office. They are all being paid handsomely.”
Mr Twat concluded by calling on everyone to seize “this unique opportunity to join the professional protest business on the ground floor.
“Trump hasn’t even taken office yet,” he noted, “and yet thousands of our graduates have already found jobs. Just look at what our grads accomplished last week in New York, Chicago, Austin and Boston.
“Today, the growth possibilities are endless. Can you imagine the money we’ll make after he appoints Ted Cruz to the Supreme Court? We’ll have millions of pro pros on the streets in an hour, all pulling better than minimum wage.”
Laughing, Twat added: “Cayman Islands, here we come!”
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