[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Transition team having a hard time finding eligible cabinet candidates
The selection of Trump’s cabinet may be very slow going, as trying to find candidates that meet the criteria set up by his transition team is proving very difficult. This reporter was able to get a copy of the criteria from the group’s secretary, who is a closeted Democrat.
1. Must be affiliated with an extreme right wing group, such as Breitbart, Liberty University, CBN, or the KKK;
2. Must be a longstanding member of the NRA and have bagged at least one wild animal trophy;
3. Must get all their news from Facebook and Trump tweets;
4. Must be able to condense any reports or briefs to the president into 140 characters;
5. Must never use words with more than two syllables when communicating with the President;
6. Must be male and have a wife who is at least a 7 and willing to wear Ivanka accessories and Melania jewelry to all official functions and photo ops;
7. Must have enough revenue from other sources to accept a yearly salary of $1.00.
8. Views contradictions in Trump’s statements as evidence of a complex thinker who is not limited to simple, straight answers;
9. Carries a signed photo of a bare-chested Putin in his wallet;
10. Is willing to have his mother’s caretaker, his nanny, and his gardener deported once “the wall” has been built;
11. Must be willing to allow Ivanka to sit in on all Cabinet meetings, where she will be
addressed as Princess Ivanka. (If there are not enough chairs, she will sit on her father’s lap.)
12. Must not have an IQ higher than the President.
The last item has been giving the team the most trouble in finding eligible candidates, as it substantially reduces the size of the candidate pool.
The team has developed an initial screening device. The potential candidate is given ten scenarios in which the President is accused of misuse of the power of his office or illegal activity and, they are to come up with a spin on the spot, with the team playing the role of heckling newspaper reporters.
The last test, named Where’s the Terrorist, is based on the Where’s Waldo books. The potential candidate must find the young Fatima who is wearing a hijab in crowds at the mall, at sporting events, and in a crowded Christian church.
Diane de Anda
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