[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
In this exclusive report, we bring you leaked minutes from the Trump transition team.
By Richard Klin
Far-ranging discussion with the Boss and entire management team about White House toilet paper; 2-ply or quilted? Boss raised interesting question: Would adding presidential seal be a tribute or disrespectful? Get Christie to look into this.
Assistant CEO Mike Pence: Urged making gay-conversion efforts a priority. Thinks this will work especially with younger, muscular homosexual men with just the thinnest sheen of sweat running down their six-pack abs.
Boss loves those little canapés — make it a must-do for inauguration party. Get Christie to look into this.
Potential legal action against term trompe l’oeil. Boss thinks it’s some knock-off French brand. Give this to Giuliani.
Boss feels strongly that people are getting the wrong message about him. Outreach: Spread the word the Boss thinks Jews are great people — clever, can really stretch a buck. Highlight Boss’s lifelong love of Josè Jimènez. Mention Miss Fortune Cookie casino promotional campaign in early nineties.
Inauguration party: Drag show with the Boss, Giuliani and Gingrich. Finale: Christie as “Fat Broad” character from B.C. comic strip.
Top priorities for cabinet, administration staff, etc.: Boss is very against casual Fridays and would like to emphasize that a one-hour lunch break means one-hour. Long, in-depth discussion about the pros and cons of secret Santa at Christmastime: Should there be a price cap on gift-giving? Will continue the topic next week.
Melania: Give her high-profile role, “girls empowerment” or whatever shit they’re calling it now. Emphasize appearance, positive attitude. Talking points: Day after day, there are girls at the office. And men will always be men. Don’t send him off with your hair up in curlers. You may not see him again.
Final thoughts for the Trump transition team: See if we can move up January 20 inauguration date; check with Putin on origin of Russian dressing — why it’s called that and if it’s really Russian. That’s it for now — let’s go, team!
What the inauguration party might look like, sneak preview:
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