[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
God seen as complacent — time for a replacement?
An Op-Ed from Ben Krull
God has been in office too long and His complacency shows. His administration is well into its fifth millennium and we still have to deal with death and taxes. He couldn’t even get Tim Tebow to the Super Bowl.
We need to get God out of His celestial bubble and make Him answer to the people. It’s time to introduce some competition into the cosmos by making God stand for election.
God’s apologists will claim that He works in mysterious ways and that mere mortals are too stupid to understand His game plan. But this nanny-universe mentality is wearing thin.
People are tired of his boneheaded decisions, like putting Arabs and Jews in the same neighborhood and giving three professional sports teams to Cleveland. We need to make our unelected judges accountable – especially when they have lifetime appointments that last forever.
God might prove rusty on the campaign trail, as he hasn’t faced the electorate since stumping in the Sinai. He would have to explain to family values voters why he had a child out-of-wedlock, and liberals would be turned off by his views on evolution. And how would our famously shy monarch do in the TV age, when he refuses to show his likeness?
But as an incumbent God has high name recognition and His campaign bio has been a New York Times bestseller for centuries.
The possibilities suggested by an election for the throne of thrones would be a godsend to the chattering classes. Would God choose a rabbi for a running mate to capture Jewish votes in Florida? Or would He go with an atheist, to balance the ticket?
What if Jesus ran as a third party candidate? Would that split the Christian vote, throwing the election to Satan? Imagine the television ratings for a debate between God and Newt Gingrich.
The race would undoubtedly turn nasty. He could face sexual harassment allegations from Aphrodite and charges from Moses that the Ten Commandments were ghost-written.
The hawkish Ares would surely accuse God of a policy of appeasement towards Hades, and it’s easy to imagine the ghost of Lee Atwater spreading gossip during the evangelical primary, that the galaxy’s oldest bachelor is gay.
God could probably buy His way into office by offering pardons from Hell in exchange for votes. But He might be tempted to retire from politics and let someone else hear His name being used in vain a billion times a day.
As an ex-Yahweh, He could demand at least three sacrifices an appearance as a speaking fee, or land a gig as a contributor on the 700 Club.
But the big manna would come by taking advantage of Heaven’s revolving gate. He could make a fortune as a lobbyist, getting loopholes to tithing for the one percent and representing souls trying to get Peter to let them into Paradise.
A version of this essay appeared in the Newark Star Ledger on 2/7/12.
Latest posts by Ben Krull (see all)
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