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Have Yourself a Very Donald Holiday Season

Dec 282016
 
 By , December 28, 2016

Last minute shopper? There’s still time to buy your loved ones a new Trump-era technogadget for the holiday season.

Here are our top-rated holiday season gift ideas:

FITBIT CHARGE DT. Easily check your vital signs as they react to the latest moves by our President-in-waiting. The Charge DT enables All-Day Tracking in multiple modes, including:

  • Deport Tracker: Are your parents safe or at risk in their “Sanctuary City”? Are you about to lose your nanny or gardener? What will happen to the undocumented Poles building the newest Trump Tower? Whatever the answer, the Charge DT will tell you exactly how it affects your blood pressure!
  • Executive Dis-Order. This mode tells you immediately when the President-Elect revokes a predecessor’s orders: Can I safely light up a joint? Is it still illegal to waterboard? Should I cancel my trip to Cuba? Get answers at the touch of a button … and see how your heart rate reacts!
  • PureImpulse®: Soon, with the stroke of a pen or the tap of a tweet, The Donald will be issuing his own executive orders, and we’ll all need to keep up: Can we still say “Happy Holiday,” or is “Merry Christmas” required by law? Is there a new wall going up somewhere that someone was billed for? Can we burn a flag today? Know when new orders issue, and let the Charge DT tell you immediately if you’re hyperventilating!
  • Appointments Cardiometer: Who will head which cabinet, department or agency whose mission he violently opposes? Who has been nominated for an ambassadorship or secretariat for which she is wildly unsuited? What Wall Street billionaire or retired general has been lifted from the swamp to join the new administration? Use this mode to know immediately… without all that pesky CNN negativity!

“YOU’RE FRIED!”® This exciting new automatic fryer makes Big Macs, Filet-o-Fish, pasta and overcooked steak (some of the next Commander-in-Chief’s favorite foods) with 75% less oil! Food becomes crispy on the outside and tender on the inside (like You Know Who). So Trump l’oil from your best fried dishes while draining excess fat… something we should all do this Holiday Season (including You Know Who). Make way for the fried Cheetos!

YAMAHA DT MIDI TRUMPet. This versatile electronic woodwind eliminates many difficulties of playing a real instrument, such as learning to play a real instrument. Just hum or sing into the DT TRUMPet mouthpiece and hear renditions of the President Elect’s favorite tunes (all approved by Kellyanne Conway), from the Rolling Stone’s “Brown Sugar,” to his rally-ending campaign song, Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” to his declared favorite, Peggy Lee’s “Is That All There Is?” If you can hum, you can be a great musician … with the Best Notes!

PARROT AR DRONE – TRUMP EDITION QUADRICOPTER. According to Trump.com: “The experience of owning a Trump property and living the Trump lifestyle is unparalleled.” But where do you find these properties, how can you spy on the people using them, and what can you do if they really annoy you? The Trump Quadricopter solves these problems. Programmed to fly over and livestream your favorite Trump real estate, from his golf courses in Scotland and Palm Beach (“the world’s finest”); to his vineyards in Virginia; to his Waikiki and Doonbeg hotels – Parrot’s Trump Edition Quadricopter is the fun spy/attack drone of the Holiday Season!

AMAZON ECHO DON: The Echo Don is a hands-free, voice-controlled device that uses Amazon’s Alexa to give you the latest Donald Trump quotes, facts and predictions … without having to check Twitter, the New York Times or CNN! Ask your Echo Don to recite any of the following:

  • Bests: The Echo Don will remind you of the many things our next President does better than anyone else, like vocabulary (“I have the best words”) and running (“I can run my business perfectly, and then run the country perfectly”).
  • Power: “Owning a great golf course gives you great power.” Could anyone have better words than that?
  • Insults: On Hillary Clinton: “Such a nasty woman.” On Ariana Huffington “Unattractive, both inside and out.” On the cast of Hamilton: “Very rude and insulting … highly overrated.”
  • Chants: From “Build that wall!,” to “Lock her up!,” to “Drain the swamp!,” now you can hear live recordings of the most memorable crowd whoops and hollers from the past year.
  • Admirers: Hispanics (“The Mexicans love me”), Neil Young (“I love Neil Young, and he loves me!”), indeed “Everybody loves me”!

So be sure to usher in the New Year with these perfect stocking stuffers – for those who, like our next President, wear perfect stockings. Happy Holiday!

Hell, no: Merry Christmas.

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Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.

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