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Argus Has Fun with the News: Washington & More

Feb 132012
 By , February 13, 2012
Argus Has Fun with the News: Washington & More

The New York Giants enjoyed a huge ticker tape parade down Wall Street Tuesday. Actually there’s no such thing as ticker tape anymore. The brokers save all the Lehman Brothers stock they tore up and toss it out the window anytime New York wins something.

The San Francisco Giants announced nights this year honoring Chinese, Mexican, Japanese, Irish and Filipino heritage. The ballpark will be jammed each night with one ethnic group in attendance. It is so segregated that the local Democrats will be wearing throwback jerseys.

The Chicago Auto Show got underway Thursday with Ford’s new Mustang Shelby showing off its six hundred and fifty horsepower engine. In only one way is the car environmentally correct. The Shelby doesn’t run on gas, it runs on ground-up Chevy Volts.

Pennsylvania’s Shippensburg College is selling morning-after birth control pills from a vending machine. The machine offers morning-after pills, condoms, cold medicine and candy. With a pull of the lever you can make love, make meth or lure a minor into your car.

L.A. County Supervisors imposed a one thousand dollar fine for throwing a Frisbee or a football on a beach in Southern California. You also can’t drink, smoke or walk your dog. They’re trying to send a clear message to the public that beaches are for drug running.

Homeland Security rolled out a new airport security pre-check program Wednesday for frequent flyers. You can breeze through airport security as long as the TSA has all your personal details. If you submit an Internet video sex tape, that’s good enough for them.

President Obama reversed himself Tuesday to allow his supporters to form a Super PAC. These PACs have no limits on personal or corporate donations. The president is prepared to spend a billion dollars to stop big money’s corrupting effect on Washington.

Madonna’s fans in Israel urged Bibi Netanyahu not to start a war with Iran until after Madonna’s concert in May. Israel should take advantage of this. If they time the attack to coincide with Madonna’s final number, they can tell the U.N. it was just a fireworks accident.

Congress got an all-time low approval rating of ten percent in Thursday’s Gallup poll. The gridlock has everybody in America angry. Democrats are mad because Republicans refuse to raise taxes and Republicans are mad because Democrats refuse to move to Cuba.

President Obama announced a twenty-five billion dollar fine on banks Thursday. He said banks duped people into home loans they can’t afford. The chairman of JP Morgan Chase put on fishnet stockings and lipstick and lured the poor into remodeling their kitchen.

Senator Marco Rubio blasted ObamaCare for forcing Catholic institutions to provide free birth control. He said Obama should have listened to Joe Biden’s warning against the mandate. You’re not officially off the rails until Joe Biden is the wise counselor in the room.

The White House was slammed by Catholic bishops Thursday for forcing the church to provide contraception in its health plans. Democrats want free birth control, free abortions, free day care and child tax credits. Democrats regard sex the way Republicans regard oil, something that can take years to find but eventually makes you a lot of money.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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