Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Rudy Giuliani named Cybersecurity adviser

Rudy immediately went undercover.

Ringling Brothers Circus to close

Probably because they don’t think they can compete with the circus coming to Washington D.C.

Donald Trump hits back at ‘Hillary flunky’ Meryl Streep’s Golden Globes dig

I can see why Trump is mad. Streep won all her awards without any help from Putin…

Legal Weed creating a new class of millionaires

Damn, I knew I should have bought a Dunkin Donuts franchise…

Anderson Cooper, Kellyanne Conway spar over CNN’s report on Trump’s Russian ties

It was ‘Beauty and the Beast’… you decide which is which.

Consider this an intervention — Verizon cuts off unlimited data customers

Wait, when does this star….

‘Flintstone’ house rolls back onto the market for $3.2m

Mike Huckabee protests, says anyone who buys will be promoting having a ‘gay ol’ time.’

Paid staffers cheered for Trump at his press conference

So, it was a bringer press conference.

People calling for an LL Bean ‪boycott

Crap, I thought they said ‘Mister Bean.’ I owe someone an apology.

Donald Trump said he doesn’t like the show ‘Blackish’

Mostly when he found out it wasn’t about Ben Carson.

U.S troops enter Poland

But, mostly for the universal health care.

WikiLeaks alleges White House is leaking things, and that’s making them mad

In other news, Wesley Snipes’ pissed other people dodge taxes.

Report: Russia has Trump golden showers blackmail

You know you’ve crossed a line when Anthony Weiner can call you a sick bastard.

Man wants apology after `meth` found in `bust of the year` turns out to be cat litter

Now we know what Clapton meant by ‘Shit don’t lie.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)