[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Restricting extraneous Freedoms of Press, Religion and Speech, and establishing Christianity as the State Religion are also ‘Alt-Word’ permitted,” said Kellyanne Conway, “as is, of course, the quartering of soldiers in your home.”
NYC – Motormouth propagandist Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s ministress of misinformation, said today that “alternative words” in the Bill of Rights “clearly permit Congress to impose legal restrictions on an unpatriotic and out-of-control lugenpresse.”
“Freedom is in the eye of the beholder,” she said, adding that “citing actual words is what liberals do.”
The First Amendment’s “Alt-Word” meanings, she noted, “are as clear as the photographs of Mr Trump’s million-person inauguration.
“Just take a look, and you’ll see for yourself.”
The misinformation ministress went on: “The trick is to view the First Amendment in a shady light. If you squint your eyes and hold it at the right angle, and I do mean the Right angle, you’ll see that its Alt-Words reveal numerous restrictions.
“It’s like that blue dress/gold dress thing. You see it one way but Mr Trump sees it another — gold, of course.”
Kellyanne listed some of the First Amendments’ alt-word limits. “For example, you can’t shout ‘Donald Trump is lying, racist, fascist bastard!’ in a crowded election,” she said. “Even if it’s true.”
Finally, Ms Conway noted that the inability of some Americans to view the Bill of Rights in the proper light was a “tragic disability” comparable to color blindness or macular degeneration.
The White House would shortly be issuing government “Alt-Read” spectacles to help disadvantaged citizens who stubbornly continue to see things in the old way.
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!