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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

‘O’Reilly Factor’ Directly Impacting Trump Policy

Jan 312017
 
 By , January 31, 2017

Bill O’Reilly discovers Trump is watching his show and tweeting, making him more influential than ever!

In a tweet on January 24th, President Trump threatened to send in the Feds “if Chicago doesn’t fix the horrible ‘carnage’ going on…” (“Carnage” would now appear to be one of his favorite words.) Trump’s tweet followed shortly after a segment on The O’Reilly Factor, and quoted statistics directly from the show.

O'Reilly likes Trump Chicago tweet

Trump threatens to send in the Feds!

When he discovered he was having a direct affect on Presidential decision-making, Bill O’Reilly decided to update some of the programming for his show.

This reporter was lucky enough to get a draft copy of some of the new segments O’Reilly is working on. Suggested segments are listed below with O’Reilly’s comments in italics:

  1. Making fun of Fox News is traitorous.
    O’Reilly’s comment: Maybe Jon Stewart and that Noah guy will end up in jail. That’ll teach them to make fun of me.
  2. Sexual assault: Legal for presidents and Fox News hosts.
    Gotta get rid of those pesky lawsuits.
  3. The Hand Maid’s Tale is utopian not dystopian.
    Utopia for white guys, that is! HaHaHa. These next four years are going to be so awesome!
  4. The US doesn’t need two political parties.
    Seriously. Why should Republicans have to constantly fight with the whiny Dems. They always lose anyway.
  5. Nuclear war is bad.
    I’d like to stick around to reap the benefits of white-guy rule, but I think Trump is cray. No nukes, Donald, please, no nukes.
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Ron Keith

Ron Keith lives in Washington, DC. He freelances, mostly writing on renewable energy, technology, gaming, and anything else he feels a passion for. He plans to spend the Trump years in a fetal position and learning what an emolument is.

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