[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“This will be a tremendous constitution, the greatest ever, believe me,” said Trump at signing.
According to minority President Donald J Trump’s latest Executive Order, signed today, the United States now has a brand-new Constitution.
“It’s a ‘repeal-and-replace’ thing,” said Trump at the signing, “but without all the hassle of getting my Congress to rubber-stamp it.”
“Like the Declaration of Independence states, or should state — certainly will state when we replace it as well, ‘When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for a great leader to dissolve the constitution and replace it with something really tremendous, then that great leader should do so,'” Trump said.
“It also says something about ‘deriving just powers from the consent of the governed,’ and since I won the election by a yuuuge majority — as my voter fraud investigation will prove — then ‘the governed’ have consented. So, it’s time to make America great again, by replacing that old rag. That’s what I said about my last wife, by the way,” said Trump, to the laughter and applause of his loyal inner circle.
Keen observers might have seen it coming, as a Trump tweet from the day before read: “Protesters taking advantage of the Constitution. It’s old, archaic. SAD! #NeedNewConstitution #GoodToBeKing”
“The new constitution, by the way, will henceforth — I love that word, just learned it today — be called the ‘Trumpitution.’ It will be fantastic, the greatest ever, believe me,” he said, adding, “and anyone who says otherwise will get to see the inside of one of my new ‘black sites’ — as it says right there in the document.”
Apparently, no one but Steve Bannon and Reince Prebus have seen the new constitution, which was allegedly written by Bannon himself. But according to leaked reports, it also:
- Gives Russia the right to appropriate certain U.S. territory as its own, “if Putin likes,” including Rhode Island, Vermont and any of the islands off the US east coast.
- Makes English the official National Language — but only what’s called “Trumpian English.”
- Suspends elections for an “indeterminate” amount of time, except for “offices still held by Democrats.”
- Makes Trump Hotels the only places foreign dignitaries may stay, “at their expense,” and U.S. officials must stay only at international Trump resorts when they travel. If their destination does not have one, they are not allowed to go there.
- Institutes a National Office of Thought Crime.
- Mandates a “Great Wall of America,” to be built around the entire perimeter of the country, including shorelines. (“Liberals should be happy about that one,” Bannon said, “it’ll keep out their so-called rising ocean.”)
At the signing, the president was asked about a recent incident at an airport, when a protester was told by Denver police to “Put all the signs away that have anything to do with first amendment expression,” including any copy of the Constitution itself.
“No worries, that won’t apply to this new constitution,” Trump replied, “because it clearly says all unpatriotic demonstrations and protests are illegal anyway.”
Later, when Trump spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway was asked how it will be determined which protests are “patriotic” and which are not, she replied, “Easy! If you’re pro-Trump, you’re good. Otherwise, you’d better be very careful about what you say.”
“Yeah,” added a grinning, but very unkempt Steve Bannon, hovering menacingly nearby, “and the media should just keep its mouth shut if it doesn’t have anything but praise for our Dear Leader!”
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