[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Gotta get out before Trump throws us all in detention camps,’ say frightened liberals demanding deportation
NYC – More than 30,000 “frightened and terrified” liberal U.S. citizens have swamped the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, demanding to be swiftly deported back to their parents’ and grandparents’ countries of origin.
“I’m an immigrant, my parents were immigrants and my children are DACA immigrants too,” said Luigi Pepperoni, a Democrat from New Jersey.
“I demand that me and my family be immediately deported back to Sicily. The mafia ain’t nothing compared to what’s coming. That’s an offer it’s a lot safer to refuse.”
“Me too,” said Ingrid Bastardsdotter, clutching her three-year-old, Hanalee. Ms Bastardsdotter immigrated to the USA from Iceland in 1973.
“I know we have melting ice and volcanoes, but I’d rather freeze or fry than end up in one of Grupenfuhrer Bannon’s internment camps.
“As a liberal columnist working for the Madison Pig and Chicken Breeders Gazette I’m really dangerous. I believe in free-range chickens and not separating piglets from their sows. Throw us out now!”
Mrs Zika Virus and her daughter Ebola fled the Sudan three years ago but are now hoping to be sent back “without delay.”
“Frankly I can’t afford the air fare for my family, including my Irish husband Seomasich and his 92-year-old mother.
“His grandparents lied their way in from Ireland in 1893, claiming to be one of the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. We should all be immediately returned to Dublin, though the Sudan will do too. They only have a civil war going on.”
A spokesman for ICE said that deportation requests would be considered, “as always” after reviewing applicants’ religious orientation and skin tone.
“I don’t think Ms Bastardsdotter has a chance. She’s blonde and cute and Christian. But Ms Virus and her black-as-the-ace-of-spades daughter Ebola were already on our list.
“They’ll be outa here before you can say ‘Sieg Heil,’ believe me.”
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!