[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“The so-called First Amendment and all the other so-called freedoms were rewritten by the dishonest press after the Constitution was stolen by Harvey Cage and his gang in 2004.” – Donald Trump
Washington DC – President Trump said today that the copy of the US Constitution housed in the National Archives is a “fake document altered when it was stolen by Hollywood communists led by actor Harvey Cage and his anarchist friends like Nicholas Kite.”
“Yeah, I saw it reported on TV,” Der Trump continued, referring to “that shocking documentary, National Treasure, which was broadcast on Fox News or somewhere at three in the morning the other night.”
“Surveillance cameras showed exactly how they stole it, and then they secretly changed it inside a pyramid, especially the so-called First Amendment and also that other one about our sacred guns.”
“There is no way,” Trump noted, “that Judge Washington or Thomas Hamilton would allow the so, so fake news press to publish anything they want. No way. Ask Antonin Scalia.”
He continued: “These are enemies of the people, by which I mean me. That’s why no more CNN, ABC, BBC or LGBTQ-Plus at White House press briefings. Like Madison Jefferson herself said: ‘Nothing can be believed which is seen in a newspaper.’ And that’s a real quote, my friends, believe me. Sniff.”
Trump noted that the original wording of the First Amendment actually read: “Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of the press, except when it criticizes the Precedent.”
During the robbery however the last phrase had been “whitened out, probably by those failed actors, Meryl Stripes and her friend Oscar.”
Trump said that “obviously” the same thing had been done to “the Holy Second Amendment,” when someone evil added that stuff about a well-regulated militia.
“Like Betsy deVos said, armed grizzly bears or even the pussy commitatis. Hey, can I grab that? Someone told me.
“As for the other nine or whatever amendments, they were also dishonestly added, especially that baloney about “searching seizures” and cutting soldiers into quarters.
The President went on, and on: “Look, I won the Erectile College by over three million votes, see? Just look at the pictures of my inauguration, when it didn’t rain.
“And I have no idea who Vladimir Rasputin is so just shut up about that, ya hear me? Shut up, shut up, shut up! No one loves the First Amendment better than me.”
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