Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kate Upton’s fiancé Justin Verlander won’t have sex with her before games — or sometimes even after

Sorry, guys, this isn’t a call for volunteers.

Activists prank CPAC attendees into waving Russian flags at Trump

In fairness, the way things are going, by next year CPAC will be so pro Russian it will be called CCCPAC.

Lindsay Lohan says she was profiled at airport while wearing headscarf

Seems even with the scarf they recognized her from ‘Liz and Dick.’

Sean Spicer says protesters against Trump are “paid professionals”

No word if he was complaining or taking credit for creating jobs.

Happy National Margarita Day

Making the day after, ‘Who the Hell’s Underwear Did I Wake Up with on My Head Day.’

Sweden trolls Trump with offer to teach him country’s immigration policy

That’s like getting picked on by the kids in band club.

Angelina Jolie eats scorpions and tarantulas with her kids in Cambodia

Hey, at least she knew what it was, as opposed to McNuggets.

Arkansas lawmaker wants to strip Clinton name from airport

Although, I’m guessing he wants it to stay on the ‘Mile High Club Lounge.’

Donald Trump to skip this year’s White House Correspondents Dinner

Although, the main course will be in his honor … Orange Chicken.

PricewaterhouseCoopers explains Oscars best picture gaffe

And, announces their new name PriceWaterhouseCoopersAndSteveHarvey…

Preibus has cringe-worthy reaction to Steve Bannon patting his leg

In fairness, maybe they were demonstrating how Melania reacts to Donald.

Al Gore Sells $29.5 Million In Apple Stock

Well, now that’s one way of going green…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)