[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Top Ten Last Straws,” as listed by Melania
“My marriage? It’s working like fine-tuned machine,” Melania stalwartly answered when asked last month getting her roots done.
But today, it’s a different story, as she was caught off guard pouring over the tabloids in the 10 Items or Less line at the Piggly-Wiggly in Florida.
Who knew when or where she’d crack, she was so vulnerable.
But, when a tear dropped down on the divider between Melania’s yogurt and rice cakes and Billy Bob’s Beer & Condoms — the whole line listened-in to her “Top Ten Last Straws”:
10. Okay, okay — Donald didn’t like my body language at the Inauguration… I was not signaling for help — it’s just that the rain that wasn’t went in my eye!
9. And he just doesn’t understand when the press shouts, “Melania, blink twice for an intervention!”
8. He threatened, “You’re at the age where I trade them in.” I said, “I’m at the age where a billion will be a starting number!”
7. Pfft. He wants me wrapped in cellophane when he comes home on weekends, and I said, “If you bring George Clooney with you!”
6. When I told him I can’t find my Immigration papers — he brought bricks for our bed!
5. I told him I didn’t sign up for this — “Try living on $40 and clean marble all day,” and he said, “I know a governor who’ll do it for 30!”
4. He makes me wear “Days of the Week Panties” so he can keep score and says on Mondays he’s “par!”
3. I wanted to see the Statue of Liberty and he said, “You already saw it!”
2. Oh sure, he notices missing tiles in the Lincoln Tunnel — but doesn’t even mention I bought a 3rd breast!
And #1… Donald just doesn’t know how to do small talk! One night in their homey Dacha — he was itching and told Mrs. Putin, “You have small pussy!”
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