“A scheduling conflict has led President Donald Trump to balk at throwing the opening day first pitch for the Washington Nationals…” — CNN
The “real news” reasons President Trump declined to throw out the first pitch:
- Caddies not permitted on pitcher’s mound.
- He is Boycotting baseball until “illegals” are prohibited from casting ballots in All Star Game vote.
- Too busy working on his tax returns.
- Baseball doesn’t have hot cheerleaders wearing short skirts.
- Knows he would fail post-game doping test.
- Nationals wouldn’t allow him to throw bean-ball at Washington press corps.
- Afraid Obama would steal the catcher’s sign for first pitch.
- Ball is too large for his pitching hand.
- Nationals’ declined his offer to re-negotiate their bad off-season trade deals.
- Vlad thinks baseball is boring.
- Made campaign promise to snub baseball until designated hitter rule is repealed and replaced.
- National Park’s seating capacity is too small to have biggest Opening Day crowd ever.
- Fox News not broadcasting the game.
- Insulted he wasn’t invited him into clubhouse for some locker-room talk.
- Holding out for Hall of Fame induction.
- Throws like a girl.
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Ben Krull is a Family Law attorney in New York and a freelance writer. His essays have appeared in The New York Times, Baltimore Sun, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and other publications.