[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
In an effort to pay off the enormous national debt, the federal government has begun giving away states to various debtors overseas.
The national debt has reached $13 trillion. In an effort to pay off this enormous amount, the federal government has started giving away States to our debtors overseas.
The first to go was New Jersey, given to the Chinese, who immediately sent in troops to take over the municipalities and factories, and seal the borders. All dissidents were put in prison, and the secret police visited Bruce Springsteen and beat the snot out of him. George Soros was arrested and forced to act as a liaison between the “running dog” American capitalists and the “new order” Chinese entrepreneurs.
The Australians demanded seafront property and were not happy to be given Alabama. Despite this, they quickly put up surfing shops, replaced the hotels with backpacking hostels and started throwing wild parties on the beach. At first there was animosity between them and the Alabamanians, but when they realized that they were both redneck at their roots, they dropped their defenses and agreed to bugger the North and start a second Civil War for the hell of it.
Russia took back Alaska, causing gas prices to jump to $20 a gallon and Sarah Palin to wet her pants.
Arnold Schwarzenegger claimed California for Austria, setting off riots in the Senate. Further shock was added when 90% of Austria moved to California for the beaches and sunshine and promptly kicked out all the Auslanders (foreigners, or, in their eyes, anyone not white) except Sophia Vergara because she was hot.
Mexico grabbed Texas, setting off a revolt by Texans which resulted in a second storming of the Alamo which the Mexicans this time razed to the ground. George W. Bush was expelled as an illegal alien and a wall was built around the state to prevent illegals from getting in.
Liechtenstein (look it up on a map), Europe’s smallest country, got Nebraska which increased its size 50 times and made it a nuclear power.
Sweden took over administration of Pennsylvania and immediately let all inmates of the prisons free, made all beaches nude and made the restrooms and clothing unisex. These changes drove the Amish berserk and they packed up and moved to Canada.
Huge changes came when the Saudis gained Oregon. Major flareups occurred when women were required to wear burkas, which ended when it was realized they were really great for keeping the rain off. Religious police attempted to forbid social contact between unmarried men and women on the streets, but this grew difficult because of the numbers of gay couples holding hands and walking in the towns.
Passions flared when college football games were canceled because of mass stonings being held at the stadiums. The Saudis finally gave up their claim to Oregon because they couldn’t understand what the constant wet stuff was falling from the sky.
At the end of this process of settling the national debt, with only Arkansas, Wisconsin and Utah left in the Union, they voted to rename themselves Floyd.
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