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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Betsy DeVos Eliminates School Principal Position, Sends Students Straight to Hell

May 072017
 
 By , May 7, 2017

New Education Secretary Betsy DeVos has a message for the children of America: go to hell.

Under new federal guidelines, the Department of Education will eliminate all school principal positions, a move Betsy DeVos says will help teachers send troublesome students straight to hell, where they will most likely simmer mercilessly in the Great Lake of Fire for eternity.

Betsy DeVos, to hell with children

Image by Honza Soukup, flickr.com.

Proponents of the policy say it gives teachers more flexibility in the classroom, deciding which students’ souls should be damned forever, and which ones should graduate to fifth grade.

Defending the change, DeVos highlighted the basic inefficiency in the older “school to prison pipeline” model of discipline.

“Under the classic model, a student would be kicked out of school, toil away in prison for the rest of his or her life, before finally going to hell,” she said.

“Let’s cut out the middleman. The federal government should not be in the business of building a wall between your child and the worst possible place in the universe.”

DeVos says the new guidelines are meant to replicate the positive results of the charter school expansion she spearheaded in Michigan before becoming U.S. Education Secretary.

“I am very proud to say that in Michigan, we have more students in hell than ever before.”

Pressed for comment, Satan, the Fallen Angel himself, said the new policy couldn’t have come at a better time.

“Man, with all the Baby Boomers arriving daily, we were running out of their own children to feed them.”

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Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman is a writer and comic. His work has been featured in National Lampoon, Modern Times Magazine, Diabolique Magazine, The New Southerner, Marathon Literary Review, and the anthologies, [Ex]tinguished & [Ex]tinct: An Anthology of Things That No Longer [Ex]ist (Twelve Winters Press) and Puff Puff Prose, Poetry and a Play Vol II. He lives in San Diego, CA.

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