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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

James Comey, Out of Job, Pursues Life Passion: Resolving Email Issues

May 142017
 
 By , May 14, 2017

WASHINGTON, DC — Former FBI Director James Comey, after rejecting job offers from Russia, China, Iran and even North Korea, decided to pursue his life’s passion of resolving private email issues, signing on with Comcast.

James ComeyComey, who was thrust to stardom after his 2003 prosecution of Martha Stewart, was recently fired from the Trump administration for being too rough on Hillary during the 2016 presidential campaign.

After a few failed gigs, such as his tense Dancing with the Stars performance with Hillary Clinton, Comey decided to abandon his newfound star power and pursue his life’s passion — dealing with private emails.

Comcast hired Comey despite an unfavorable review from his previous employer, Donald Trump, who described him as, “no good, lightweight, asks too many questions about my collusion with Russia, and looks stupid.”

As the newbie at the office, James Comey who has an $11 million net worth, had to bring everyone’s coffee. Unlike his previous employer, Comcast did not ask Comey to pledge unwavering allegiance in a weird cult-esque ritual.

Comey successfully fielded numerous customer service calls on his first day. One from Russia tried to intimidate him into exposing “how much he really knows,” but Comey managed to sell them Comcast’s world-class, reliable basic cable service. Russia has since declared war on the US and Comcast.

Another caller asked how they could hide their private emails, and Comey recommended a private email server, saying, “it’s totally legit, unless I change my mind and use it against you ten days before an election.”

Comey is even being considered for employee of the month, which has infuriated Trump, who went on twitter to complain about his own lack of shiny awards.  

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Adam Barsouk

Adam Barsouk is an accelerated student of medicine and health policy at the Jefferson Medical College. He was a writer for the Penn State student newspaper and satirical newspaper, and also frequently contributes to the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, the Centre Daily Times, and the Jewish Chronicle. Adam speaks 6 languages, has visited over 30 countries, and loves sharing his knowledge, experiences and perspectives.

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