[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The EPA’s Superfund program is to be used to remove the most toxic elements, like Steve Bannon and Donald Trump, from the White House as soon as possible.
The EPA today reported that they have started the process of declaring the White House a toxic waste site, under its Superfund program.
Unofficially designating it the “Trump Dump,” the EPA claims the White House may be one of the most toxic waste sites in the country due to the sheer volume of leaks coming out of the various governmental departments.
“The environment at the White House is highly toxic, and we aren’t sure when and if the mansion will ever be fully restored to its previous splendor,” said a high-ranking EPA official who gave his assessment of the situation from a back booth at a local Denny’s.
Not to be confused with the Dump Trump campaign by liberals, the Trump Dump is real and it has the President’s staff more than a little worried. That is, all except for Steve Bannon. It is a widely held belief in the White House that Bannon believes he can do no harm and that he has enough dirt on the President that he won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.
Which leads to another, albeit unrelated toxicity problem. The close quarters in which each of the President’s advisors have their offices has only one bathroom for each sex. That means the men have to share a bathroom with Bannon. There have been numerous complaints, according to one source, likening the smells emanating from the men’s room to everything from a dead skunk to gin-soaked cheap linen.
Since the EPA has designated the White House a toxic waste site, there have been rumblings from inside the West Wing that the President may just move lock, stock and barrel to Mar-a-Lago and continue his Presidency from the comfort of his Clubhouse, unofficially dubbed the Southern White House . The problem with this reasoning is, of course, that the people he has hired are some of the very people who have been the leakers and therefore, the contamination is feared to have already spread from D.C. to Palm Beach and possibly to New York.
Deep Hole did not seem to be overly concerned that the President, himself, is more than likely contaminated from the stinky business going on in the White House. He is, however, concerned about the eyewitness reports in recent weeks of an eerie orange glow that can be seen enveloping the White House in the evening. The color is most prominent at the upstairs residence of the President.
When asked if there were alternative plans besides declaring the White House a hazardous waste dump, Deep Hole replied, “No, not really. The White House is pretty much a goner at this point,” but said he and those in his department will do whatever they can, including leaking any additional information they may have to try and mitigate the damages by having Trump impeached before his term is up. Deep Hole suggested that may be the only way to save the White House.
Meanwhile, when told of the potential designation, the President tweeted “EPA declares WH unsafe. What did Melania know that I didn’t? Won’t sleep with me. Sad.”
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