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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Ossoff Still Working at ‘Flipping the Sixth,’ but Now for Wendy’s

Jun 252017
 
 By , June 25, 2017

Jon Ossoff has been reduced to flipping Wendy’s 1/6th pounder

ATLANTA — Jon Ossoff, following an embarrassing defeat to Karen Handel in his attempt to “flip” Georgia’s 6th Congressional District to the Democrats, is now being forced to undertake a task even more challenging for the young filmmaker: flipping 1/6 lb Wendy’s burgers.

Jon Ossoff, flip the 6thAlthough the former political aide and documentarian labored day and night to make our under-investigation, ignorant, demagogue President seem “unlikable,” he has since admitted that he had never actually worked a real job a day in his life. And now, with the Democrats having lost all their money and Nancy Pelosi woefully selling one of her many Napa Valley vineyards, Jon Ossoff has been forced to take the first available position nearby: frying cook at Wendy’s. (Correction: there was a position in trash disposal available in his own district, but Ossoff opted to work in a different district purely for his own convenience.)

In an exclusive interview, Ossoff admitted, “I used to think flipping a historically Republican district was hard, but now I’ve realized scraping those damn patties off a greasy grill is ten times worse. I used to drop millions of greens into campaign ads, and now I’m dropping greens onto the rat infested floor.” Ossoff was promptly castigated by his manager and told to “get back to work, flippy.”

Since robots replaced half of his colleagues at Wendy’s, Ossoff has changed his stance on raising the minimum wage. Politically engaged college students still occasionally stop by to chant “flip the sixth” while observing Ossoff stumbling around the kitchen in search of beef patties.

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Adam Barsouk

Adam Barsouk is an accelerated student of medicine and health policy at the Jefferson Medical College. He was a writer for the Penn State student newspaper and satirical newspaper, and also frequently contributes to the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, the Centre Daily Times, and the Jewish Chronicle. Adam speaks 6 languages, has visited over 30 countries, and loves sharing his knowledge, experiences and perspectives.

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