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Politically Correct Motion Picture Ratings

Jun 272017
 
 By , June 27, 2017

MPAA film rating system updated for an era of polarization and the politically correct.

G – General Audiences. All politics accepted. Nothing too offensive to conservatives or liberals. Lassie may come home. Miracles may occur on 34th Street. Language no saltier than “damn,” “coccyx” and “tushie.”

King Kong, politically correctExamples: The Little Mermaid; Mary Poppins; King Kong

PG -R – Political Guidance Suggested – Rightward. May contain content too conservative for many progressives, including performances by Arnold Schwarzenegger. May positively portray police, firearms and private schools. Characters favor nuclear and thermonuclear families and oppose The Homosexual Agenda.

Examples: The Shootist; True Grit; Kindergarten Cop

PG-L – Political Guidance Suggested – Liberal. Some material may offend conservatives, including performances by Ben Affleck. May sympathetically portray minorities, immigrants and people on entitlements. Characters may unselfconsciously use terms like “power to the people,” “Big Oil” and “vegan.”

Examples: American Beauty; Billionaire Boys Club; I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney

NC – R2. Radically Rightwing. Themes or actors may infuriate liberals, including performances by Ronald Reagan or Charlton Heston. May glorify combat, Wall Street and golf. No actors from Syria, Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan or Yemen; Iraqi actors extremely vetted.

Examples: Die Hard; The Ten Commandments; Bedtime for Bonzo

NC –L2. Kneejerk Leftie. Themes or actors may infuriate conservatives, including performances by Susan Sarandon or Jane Fonda. May criticize war, the death penalty and people who cling to guns or religion. Beware: pro-life or pro-military viewers may throw hard objects at screen.

Examples: Dead Man Walking; Coming Home; Barbarella

PC – Politically Correct. May induce nausea in those uncharmed by cloying treacle. May feature performances by Alan Alda or Tom Hanks. Characters may say things like “Why can’t people just get along?,” “Violence doesn’t solve problems“ and “Happy Holiday.”

Examples: Glory; Philadelphia; The Family Stone

NC – SxN – Sexually Neanderthal. May normalize sexist attitudes and male chauvinist behavior. Female characters have supporting roles and are typically housewives or home wreckers. May use language like “Dames,” “Chicks,” “beer-flavored nipples” and “Eliza, where the devil are my slippers?”

Examples: My Fair Lady; Guys and Dolls; 10 Things I Hate About You

NC – LGBT – Sexually Enlightened. May favorably depict homosexuality or transexuality, feature known gay or lesbian actors, or include nudity (beware the butt double!). May add “Q” to LGBT rating. May use words like “Dames,” “Chicks” and “beer-flavored nipples,” but only ironically.

Examples: Boys Don’t Cry; The Rocky Horror Picture Show; The Panic Room; Beauty and the Beast

The above major ratings can be combined with the following refined grades for greater specificity:

♂. May contain feminist themes or imply that women can be as funny as men, including performances by Sarah Silverman or Amy Schumer.

Examples: Bridesmaids; I Want Someone To Eat Cheese With; Ghostbusters (2016)

✡. May favorably depict Jews or Judaism; contain self-deprecating humor or short balding protagonists; or imply that Jews are particularly comedic, including performances by Sarah Silverman or Amy Schumer.

Examples: School Ties; Funny Girl; Annie Hall; Analyze This

V. May glorify violence, including favorable depictions of war, pro football and couples therapy.

Examples: Saw; Speed; Any Given Sunday; anything by Quentin Tarantino

Z. May glorify Zombies or Zombie-like behavior. May induce fear of Zambonis among dyslexics. May lead to TV shows like The Walking Dead; Fear the Walking Dead; and Fear More Dead Spin-Offs (Ha, not a real show).

Examples: Night of the Living Dead; World War Z; Warm Bodies

The above rating systems can be customized for particular movies or TV shows, as shown in the following ratings for these popular programs and movies.

A Few Good Men: PG- L + Code = This movie may contain language critical of border walls and the grotesque and incomprehensible soldiers who command them. Veteran discretion advised.

Moonlight: PG – LGBT = This movie may contain favorable depictions of homosexuality. This rating may contain spoilers. (Oops.)

Mozart in the Jungle: TV-MA + SV = This program is designed to be viewed by adults. It may contain scenes of graphic Sex and Violins.

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Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.

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