[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘The only difference is, the more blood McConnell sucks, the paler he becomes’ – Report showing the Senator is descended from bloodsucking vampires.
WASHINGTON – DNA analysis released by the genealogy company Ancestry.com confirms that Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell is directly related to the notorious Transylvanian vampire, Count Dracula.
Also known as Vlad the Impaler because of his cruel method of executing his enemies, Dracula is reputed to have drunk the living blood from their necks in triumph. He slept in a coffin by day, seeking out his victims after dark in the form of a flying bat-like creature. He is the villain of Bram Stoker’s famous 1897 novel and numerous Hollywood horror movies.
Ancestry.com notes that McConnell’s family arrived in Scotland in the late 16th century after being driven out of Transylvania by pitchfork-wielding peasants. They changed their name from “Dragulya” after accounts surfaced connecting them to the cannibalistic sadist.
Genealogical experts employed by the company say that it is “overwhelmingly probable” that Sen. McConnell retains the Count’s bloodsucking impulses, noting his “vampire-like” relations with the American body politic, especially the wealthiest one-percent, and his gratuitous cruelty to the poor, needy and vulnerable. McConnell is also noted for his pleasure in publicly impaling his opponents, especially former President Obama, smiling unsmilingly as he does so.
“The chief difference between the Senator and his famous forbear,” the report notes, “is that the more blood he sucks, the paler he becomes. He also appears to be even more insatiable than the Count, tirelessly working to achieve petty victories for their own sake.”
Additional research by Ancestry.com suggests that while in Scotland McConnell’s Transylvanian forbears indulged in “beast-like sexual relations” with the local fauna, including Angelsea marine turtles (Rhinoclemmys funerea), “accounting for his unusually repellent features and ponderously slow, almost inhuman, form of speech. When attacked he withdraws into a protective shell of rules, regulations and hypocritical legalisms.”
Citing McConnell’s apparently extreme age, the report concludes that like Dracula he is probably immortal and may be vulnerable only to a stake driven through his black little heart while asleep in the coffin located in the cellar of his Kentucky home.
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