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Talk Radio on HT: The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Ben Carson

Jul 082017
 
 By , July 8, 2017

Latest transcript of the revolutionary new talk radio show!

INTRO

The rock song “Maniac” is heard in the introduction to The Jerry Duncan Show — a nationally syndicated talk radio program.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. (pause) My guest today is Dr. Ben Carson, HUD Secretary and former Republican candidate for President.

Shouts out to one of his assistants.

ben carson, talk radioJERRY

What do you mean he’s asleep in the green room? Wake him up!

Jerry is back on the air.

JERRY

The guy is a legend. He’s three of the Seven Dwarfs rolled into one: Sleepy, Dopey and Doc.

A door creaks open, followed by a slam.

BEN CARSON

Sorry, Barry. I must have dozed off.

JERRY

(irritated) That’s Jerry. Have a seat.

CARSON

Where am I? Who am I? Why do I exist?

JERRY

Save that crap for the 700 Club. (pause) I’m going to be candid. I think you’re suffering from depression.

CARSON

Why?

Jerry notices Mr Carson’s eyes are closing.

Carson blinks his eyes, but he is out of it.

CARSON

(confused) It’s not time for school, mother. Did Donald Trump steal my legos?

Jerry slaps the back of Carson’s head.

CARSON

Now I remember where I left that sponge when I was doing surgery. Hope her head didn’t swell too much.

JERRY

The Republican party is in free fall. The Russian hacking of our election, North Korea, health care.

CARSON

Jeb Bush.

JERRY

He’s been gone for two years.

CARSON

Mike Huckabee.

JERRY

He’s gone, too.

CARSON

Can I phone a friend?

JERRY

No.

CARSON

A lifeline? I’d like to call my grandfather.

JERRY

He’s dead like your brain.

CARSON

(softly) Grandpa is dead? Why didn’t mother tell me?

JERRY

Because she’s dead, too.

JERRY

What are you doing to improve HUD, Mr. Secretary?

CARSON

What’s HUD?

JERRY

It’s a movie starring Paul Newman. You idiot, it’s a government program for low income housing. Real poverty, man.

CARSON

Poverty is a state of mind. And I have the solution.

JERRY

Here we go folks.

CARSON

Give every poor person some lottery money. Think of the endless possibilities. They’ll be focused on winning, so they can buy a big home, go to fancy restaurants and drive nice cars. Won’t even realize they’re homeless. What do you think, Barry?

JERRY

(irritated) That’s Jerry. And you’re still an idiot. (pause) We’re out of time. You can learn more about HUD, Housing and Urban Development by going to Ben Carson’s website at www.airhead.com

JERRY

Good-bye everyone. See you tomorrow.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.

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